Joe Moderate

The British are Coming! The British are Coming!

2012-01-29T15:57:00.010-06:00

One of the wild things about living in New England is being surrounded by American history. I work in Lexington, where the first skirmish of the American revolution was fought. Paul Revere's midnight ride ended when he was captured by the British about a mile and a half from my office. The "shot heard round the world" was fired about 17 miles from our apartment, where 400 colonists drove the British away from Concord's north bridge.

This weekend we visited these sites while exploring Minuteman National Historical Park. Very cool :-)

It's kinda fun to know our city was once one of the "Middlesex villages and farms" from which poured some 20,000 militiamen to drive the British back to their garrison on the (at that time) island of Boston.

At the time of the revolution, Lowell was nothing more than a farm. Today it is fourth largest city in Massachusetts and one of the twin county seats of Middlesex county.

Boston, meanwhile, has more than tripled in land area, sprawling into Massachusetts Bay across more than 2,000 acres of landfill into the present home of some 4.5 million ~~Massholes~~ Bay Staters. (Click on the image below for a Boston College animation of the landfill expansion projects over the past 250 years)

An additional note for all the literary buffs out there: we discovered that Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry David Thoreau, and Nathaniel Hawthorne each called Corcord home during parts of their lives. Interesting.

Confessions of a Wimpy Kid

2012-01-21T18:15:00.000-06:00

When I finished school three years ago, I was delighted to discover that the real world offers (most) nights and weekends off. In my new spare time, I decided to try something I have assiduously avoided most of my life: exercise.

I decided to fight a deep inner sense of wimpiness, face my fears, get my ass into a gym on a regular basis, and see what happens. Three years into this thing, I think I've found a new hobby. I can't believe I'm writing the following words but I have grown to love exercising. I honestly look forward to getting up at 4:45 to go to the gym.

This is sort of silly but also sort of profound.

Think with me back to the dreaded days of sixth grade PE. I was the wimpy kid--yeah, that wimpy kid: always the last one reluctantly picked by the football team captains, always the one tripping over his own feet during the basketball drills, always the one the bully would yell "faggot" at when the coach wasn't around. That sucked, but for me that wasn't the worst.

For me, the absolute worst days of PE were weight training days. I remember the day I was unable to bench press the standard steel barbell--just the standard barbell with no weights at all. I was profoundly ashamed of myself and felt utterly humiliated in front of my male peers. From that moment on, I consciously did everything in my power to avoid the embarrassment of the gym--or anything athletic, really--for most of the next two decades of my life.

In my head I've always been the wimpy kid. Five years of the Exodus mindjob certainly didn't help anything, as exgay ministers often played into the (thankfully dying) cultural stereotypes of gay guys being "girly men", gays being attracted to men only because they feel unmanly themselves, all gay guys wanting to be hairdressers, blah blah blah. You know the drill. Suffice it to say I've struggled with feeling insufficiently masculine most of my life.

Against that emotional background, it was a pretty significant moment for me the day I was first able to bench press not only the steel barbell but the barbell with 45lb plates on each side. At a superfluous ego level, that moment certainly felt good. But at a deeper level, it helped shatter some pretty powerful negative self definitions I had.

Now hear me out. I want to be clear that I think the American cultural equation of masculinity with athelic ability is bogus. I'm not trying to say that I think lifting weights makes someone masculine.

I'm not exactly sure how to define masculinity, but I know it is NOT picking up heavy things and putting them down again, NOT hurling an object a long distance, and NOT moving quickly from one place to another. I think masculinity rightly defined probably has zero dependence whatsoever on physical motion.

But masculinity rightly defined probably has something to do with acting in spite of one's fears. And in that sense, getting over my deep-seated fear of the gym--my fear of failing at anything remotely athletic--has been something of a masculinity boost for me.

And much to my surprise, I've found that for much of my life I've foolishly avoided an activity I actually really enjoy.

...

Over the past few yeas, I have grown kinda fond of the soft metallic sound of 45lb plates clanking together. From a scientific perspective, it's kinda amazing to observe how the human body gradually adapts and increases in strength over time. From an emotional perspective, it's been kinda cool to watch the smaller nickle, dime, and quarter plates gradually accumulate on each side of a barbell until one day I can replace them all with another 45. Those days always feel like notable milestones to me.

I had several such milestones 2011: the first day I inclined pressed with two 45s on each side of the barbell, the first day I shrugged with three 45s on each side, the day I first leg pressed with four 45s on each side. Those are always fun moments for the gym rat in me, but they have been interesting to me in a psychological sense as well. In every case, I find myself capable of doing something I had always thought was impossible for me, something I feared even trying before.

And this wimpy kid thinks that's cool :-)

2011 Goal Evaluation - Part 2

2012-01-21T16:30:00.000-06:00

Okay, now that I've put things in a little bit of perspective, on to evaluating my 2011 exercise goals.

Quick recap: last January, inspired by my buddy Pomoprophet, I decided to state my new year's fitness resolutions as SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Time-constrained) goals.

Disclaimer: I'm a newbie to working out, and as such I struggle with understanding what is Realistic fitness-wise. So I have been trying to learn by keeping careful records of my goals and progress for the past three years. Today's evaluation is another chance for me to figure out what is Realistic and what isn't.

Okay. I've been taking Measurements all year. Here are the numbers:

2011 Goals and Results

Exercise Goal (lb)
Achieved (lb) Achieved
Level Bench Press +60 +60 100%
Incline Bench Press +45 +45 100%
Military Press +60 +60 100%
Barbell Curl +25 +25 100%
Dumbbell Curl +15 +20,+25 133%,167%
Skullcrusher +30 +20 67%
Lat Pulldown +50 +25? 50%?
T-bar Row +90 +55 61%

First of all, please don't be freaked out and think I do the same eight exercises each time I go to the gym. Thank goodness no--that sounds dreadfully boring and probably not very healthy. The list above is a subset of the exercises I do; this is just the core that I decided to focus on and track all year.

As the top half of the list indicates, I'm getting a little better at projecting what realistic goals are for some exercises for a year (I was not as good with my 2010 goals). As the bottom half of the list indicates, I still have some learning to do about realism.

My performance this year on barbell exercises was good, with the exception of skullcrushers. I surprised myself by performing better than I had thought possible on the dumbbell curling exercises (the two numbers reported in the table reflect different grip positions--the first of the two is pronated grip; the latter is hammer grip)... And what guy wouldn't be happy with better than expected performance on curls? After all, biceps are the male counterpart to ladies' boobs (C and I like to refer to developed biceps as "arm titties" ;-) Incidentally, there happens to be a particularly nice pair of arm titties on one of the waitstaff at a particular restaurant in downtown Lowell. But we certainly aren't so shallow as to let that fact sway where we like to go out to eat. Certainly not ;-) ).

Okay, so what happened on the last two exercises? Two different issues, actually. My ability to measure pulldown performance fell apart when moved to Massachusetts. This exercise is performed on a machine, and the machine in my gym here is graduated differently than the machine in my gym in Illinois (the Illinois machine was graduated in pounds, the Massachusetts machine is graduated in counts--and who knows how many pounds correspond to a count). The number in the table reflects where my performance was on the exercise when we moved out of Illinois in August.

The numbers in the table for the T-bar row reflect my performance in June. By that point in the year, I observed that my rowing form had become poor. I had developed a bad habit of cheating with my legs to kick-start the motion of the bar, which was taking the focus of the exercise off the back (and the cheating motion also just isn't safe). After several weeks of trying unsuccessfully to correct my form, I decided to alter the exercise to force me to use good form. I now use a piece of equipment that immobilizes my torso so I can't use my legs to cheat. As you might expect, the amount of weight I can move on the exercise took a big hit when I corrected my form, and I have not yet surpassed with good form the weight I was lifting with poor form. However, I'm lifting safely with correct form, both of which I think are good things.

I've been drafting my 2012 SMART goals the past few weeks; I'll post them here once I have them figured out.

Office Flirt

2012-01-17T19:15:00.002-06:00

C and I ~~constantly~~ absolutely never quote from this sketch to each other. ~~Constantly~~ Absolutely never.

Ronald Reagan: not as anti-gay as I had thought

2012-01-16T08:47:00.004-06:00

NPR had a very interesting article on Ronald Reagan yesterday. It discussed the modern Republican canonization of Reagan and how the generalizations about Reagan's presidency stack up against his actual presidency.

As you might expect, the real Reagan is different than the rosy Republican legend. The real Reagan eliminated taxes on lower-income Americans while raising them on middle and upper-income Americans. The real Reagan made virtually no change to abortion law, and he communicated with pro-life advocates over the phone rather than in-person.

However, I learned that the real Ronald Reagan is also somewhat more complicated than the entirely anti-LGBT politician recalled in progressive legend.

Within the gay community, Reagan is often remembered for turning his back on HIV/AIDS research during the height of the AIDS crisis of the 1980s. The fatal consequence of Reagan's refusal to investing research dollars in treating the disease was exacerbated by the inflammatory anti-gay comments he and his administration made about gays "deserving" AIDS. These facts are not legend, and hundreds of thousands of people--Americans, gay and straight alike--would likely have been spared agonizing deaths had Reagan acted differently. I maintain that Reagan's passive and active opposition to HIV/AIDS research remains a horrible mark on his presidency.

However, what I learned from the article was that Reagan was instrumental in stopping the Briggs Initiative--California's 1978 draconian ballot measure that would have made it illegal for LGBT people to be public school teachers. John Briggs himself, the virulently anti-gay legislator who authored the ballot measure, cited Ronald Reagan's involvement as the principal reason the ballot measure failed. I had no idea. From the Wikipedia article on the Briggs Initiative:

The former state Governor (and later US President) Ronald Reagan moved to publicly oppose the measure. Reagan issued an informal letter of opposition to the initiative, answered reporters' questions about the initiative by saying he was against, and, a week before the election, wrote an editorial in the Los Angeles Herald-Examiner opposing it.

The timing of Reagan's opposition is significant because he was then preparing to run for president, a race in which he would need the support of conservatives and moderates who were very uncomfortable with homosexual teachers. As Lou Cannon (Reagan biographer) puts it, Reagan was “well aware that there were those who wanted him to duck the issue” but nevertheless “chose to state his convictions.” Extensive excerpts from his informal statement were reprinted in the San Francisco Chronicle of September 24, 1978. Reagan's November 1 editorial stated, in part, “Whatever else it is, homosexuality is not a contagious disease like the measles. Prevailing scientific opinion is that an individual's sexuality is determined at a very early age and that a child's teachers do not really influence this.”

It is notable that politicians as diverse as Reagan, Gerald Ford, and (at the end of the campaign) then-president Jimmy Carter all opposed the bill.

While polls initially had showed support for the initiative leading by a large margin, it was defeated by a landslide following opposition by the LGBT community and prominent conservatives, moderates, and liberals alike.

If you have some spare time, consider checking out the article for yourself.

2011 Goal Evaluation - Part 1

2012-01-08T16:30:00.000-06:00

Alright. It's the second week of the new year. Time to face the music and evaluate my 2011 performance against the goals I set last year. But before looking at the fun, hobby-oriented goals I blogged about last year, I wanted to start with evaluating a much more significant 2011 goal.

Last year I read some training material on goal-setting. One of the big picture tools the material recommend was the so-called "miracle question":

If a miracle happened tonight and all your problems were changed, what would be the first thing you noticed tomorrow morning?

I love this question. Although there are a multitude of little things that I would like to acheive or change about my life, this question is a helpful tool for distilling things down to what is most significant.

In answer to the miracle question, last year I wrote down

I would wake up in bed next to C.

You see, for the first three years of our marriage, C and I saw each other only on weekends. We lived apart during the five nights of the work week as C finished up grad school and as I started my first professional job 100 miles away. Our weekly separation was a source of immense heartache for us. Answering the miracle question helped pinpoint that our separation was the number one thing in my life I wanted to change.

So for 2011 I wrote down the following SMART goal, my highest-priority goal for the year:

By the end of 2011, I want to be living under the same roof as C by finding gainful employment within driving distance of C's job.

Before evaluating any of the comparatively petty goals I blogged about a year ago, I wanted to report that we achieved this goal in 2011 :-) Through providence, luck, and a lot of job applications on his and my part, we now have jobs within 12 miles of each other.

Now I wake up cuddled next to C. Everyday. Our miracle has happened.

Thank you, God.

I love you, C.

Joe's Iowa GOP Predictions

2012-01-02T18:18:00.004-06:00

Thank goodness Iowa finally goes to caucus tomorrow. My predictions of how the votes will shake out:

Romney
Santorum
Paul

Thrilled to see Newt Gingrich's star has fallen; more thrilled to see Bachmann dragging the bottom of the barrel; unhappy to see Santorum ~~surging~~ *ahem* rising in the polls, but not at all worried about him--it is highly unlikely he'll finish in the top four in New Hampshire.

C and I are trying to figure out if Bachmann will withdraw from the race immediately or wait until she receives 0% of the vote in New Hampshire next week...

Hat tip: Real Clear Politics

The Downside of Living in a State with Marriage Equality

2011-12-30T15:54:00.004-06:00

(The full title of this blog should actually read: "The downside of living in a state with marriage equality while DOMA is still the federal law of the land.")

This is the first year since our marriage that C and I have lived in a state with full marriage equality. This is far and away a good thing, but we have just discovered one very annoying downside: taxes.

Taxes have always been an issue for us and will continue to be until DOMA is repealed. Because DOMA prohibits the IRS from recognizing our marriage, we must file as individuals. Consequently, C and I pay more in federal taxes than we would if one of us owned a vagina.

But this has always been the case for us. There is nothing new along those lines this year.

What is new this year is a consequence of living in a state with full marriage equality. For the first time we find ourselves in that happy situation. But the conflict between Mass law and federal law gives rise to a puzzling amount of paperwork:

C and I must now generate three federal 1040s every year.

For the Feds we will file two individual 1040s. Then we will complete--but not file--a married 1040. The married federal 1040 we will file with Massachusetts along with the Commonwealth's married tax return.

This will be the requisite procedure until DOMA (or at least the portion of DOMA that prevents federal recognition of state marriages) is repealed. So not only will we continue to pay more in federal taxation than heterosexual couples, we will also have to file more paperwork.

Whine whine whine, right? I know, I know. Paperwork is a small price to pay for having our marriage recognized by the state in which we live. But one less set of paperwork is one more thing we are looking forward to once DOMA is history.

O Holy Night, verse 3 and chorus 2

2011-12-25T13:47:00.004-06:00

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.

He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!

My favorite lines from my favorite carol.

Merry Christmas everybody!

C and I are Crying on the Couch

2011-12-14T18:43:00.003-06:00

and in 37 seconds you will be crying too. Must maximize before playing.

Breathing Out Lies

2011-12-14T05:09:00.004-06:00

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
--Exodus 20:16

There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: [#6] a false witness who breathes out lies.
--Proverbs 6:16,19a

The Family "Research" Council today released a statement that LGBT groups supported a repeal (which of course did not pass Congress) of the prohibition on bestiality in the US military's code of conduct.

Bestiality. Seriously.

WTF?

Somewhere in America, a pastor is going to repeat this unvarnished lie from the pulpit this week in a screed about the "homosexual agenda" and the decline of America. Somewhere in America, a frightened kid in a pew struggling with gay feelings is going to hear this and think it is true. Somewhere in America, another gay kid is going to contemplate suicide.

This is some sick shit.

Our Home

2011-12-12T17:45:00.011-06:00

We finally got around to taking photos of our new digs, and we thought it would share them with the world. My apologies that some of the photos look a bit washed out or blurry; we just used the camera on my phone :-/

If you need a quick reminder, here's what the outside of our home looks like. Okay, now for the inside.

The view into our dining and living rooms from the kitchen:

The living room/Joe's "study" :-) :

Our bedroom (and yes, the bed usually is made... but there are usually clothes on the floor :-P) :

C's study/office (eat your heart out, IKEA):

The kitchen:

Breathing Out Lies

2011-12-12T17:06:00.002-06:00

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
--Exodus 20:16

There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: [#6] a false witness who breathes out lies.
--Proverbs 6:16,19a

Equality Matters has collected a list of some of the things Tony Perkins (president of the Family "Research" Council) has recently said about LGBT folks:

“It Gets Better” project tries to “recruit” kids into a “lifestyle” of “perversion.” [FRC donation mailer, 8/18/11]
“Research is overwhelming” that gay men are more likely to molest children. [MSNBC Hardball, 11/29/11]
Gay teens commit suicide because they know being gay is “abnormal.” [National Public Radio, 10/26/10]
Anti-bullying programs promote “indoctrination into homosexuality.” [Fox News, America’s Newsroom, 5/26/11]
Senators who vote for DADT repeal will have “the blood of innocent soldiers on their hands.” [FRC online Washington Update, 12/16/10]
"Kids do worse in these same-sex households. They’re more susceptible to violence.” [Fox News, Fox & Friends Sunday, 4/24/11]
Gays are trying to “spread fear and intimidation so that they can disrupt and destabilize” the legal system, like terrorists. [Washington Watch radio show, 4/29/11]

Found: Crawfish in New England

2011-12-11T13:04:00.004-06:00

Hoh hoh hoh hoh hoh... Merry Christmas to us!

After months of looking, today we finally located a store in New England that sells crawfish. Today suddenly turned into etoufee Sunday for us :-)

Next experiment: we're interested to see what our Cajun recipes taste like if we substitute lobster for crawfish. Not sure how it'll turn out, but we'll try anything once...

Christmas Axioms

2011-11-30T19:47:00.006-06:00

The Laws of Conservation of Awesome:

For every awesome Christmas song there is an equal and opposite awful Christmas song.
For every awesome Christmas tree ornament there is an equal and opposite hideous Christmas tree ornament (on the back of the tree).

Say Anything

2011-11-23T16:54:00.002-06:00

My buddy DJ posted a link on his Facebook today to this sweet video of a recent wedding in Minnesota (warning: 15 minutes long; I cleaned up the kitchen while letting it play on my laptop).

Then I made the possible mistake of skimming through the 100+ comment war that follows the video.

Sigh. It reminded me of the zillions of books I've read on this topic, the zillions of conversations I've had on this topic, the zillions of conferences/seminars/sermons I've attended on this topic, and the one conclusion I have drawn from it:

You can make the Bible say absolutely anything.

All that seems to matter is how many people agree with your hermeneutic (or how powerful the people are who agree with your hermeneutic) at a given time.

Referring to "what the Bible says" will never solve a single argument.

"I can hear you, bitches."

2011-11-22T17:31:00.001-06:00

ROFLMAO

Adorable Follow-Up to a Frustrating Story

2011-11-20T16:36:00.007-06:00

To my husband's occasional chagrin, I am a politics junkie. I've been DVR'ing the Republican presidential debates (and holy crap there have been a lot of them lately) and watching them when we've had downtime.

If you were watching during the FoxNews/Google debate back in September, you might have seen a video question sent from army captain Stephen Hill who was serving in Iraq. Captain Hill (who has amazing arms, if you hadn't noticed) explained that he is gay and asked the candidates if they intended to circumvent the recent repeal of the military's "don't ask don't tell" policy. Hill's question made national news when several members of the Republican audience loudly booed him.

The Associated Press recently interviewed Hill and two days ago ran an article about him. I enjoyed learning about his life with his husband, Joshua Snyder, in Ohio. The couple were married in May of this year in Washington DC, and they selected the location for their vows to be the gravesite of Leonard Matlovich, a gay veteran with an immaculate service record who became the first gay serviceman to challenge the military ban. Hill and Snyder shared stories with the AP of how they had struggled under DADT to keep their relationship secret, saying goodbye before Hill's deployments while hiding under airport escalators, hiding Snyder's photograph when army buddies were coming over to play video games, and introducing Snyder as his roommate or brother--things they no longer have to endure since the repeal of DADT... and since Hill came out to the country on national television.

But my favorite part of the article is the pictures :-) I'm a total sap when it comes to relationships--gay or straight. And these guys have some particularly adorable photos together.

Congratulations to Steve and Josh on their recent marriage, and a big thanks to Captain Hill for coming out and posing his question during the Republican presidential debate.

on Giving

2011-11-20T15:59:00.003-06:00

Today NPR ran an article on the epidemic of homelessness among LGBT teens. Apparently between 30-40% of homeless youths in major American cities identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender.

I've been thinking about this all day.

Last year, C and I began donating to the Ali Forney Center, which provides shelter, health care, and social services to homeless LGBT youth in New York City. The Center's director was interviewed as a part of the NPR piece. Ironically, C and I had just donated again to the Ali Forney Center earlier this week. But hearing the NPR piece didn't make me feel a pat on the back for our donation; it made me wonder.

Could we give more? Could we do more?

C and I went for a walk today and talked about it. When I was a part of an evangelical church, I used to donate 10% of my pretax income to my local church. That wasn't a sizeable amount of money back in my college days, but now that C and I are drawing professional salaries, 10% isn't a small chunk of change. It is definitely a lot more than we are presently donating. We talked about upping our game--not only to places like Ali Forney, but to our other favorite organizations like the Acorn Equality Fund in downstate Illinois (no--there is no relation to the infamous and now defunct ACORN organization).

We didn't come to a decision on our walk, but we did decide to reconsider our giving in our upcoming discussion of our family finances.

We also kicked around another idea. Could we be foster parents or provide transitional housing for a homeless LGBT person? It's just the seed of an idea, but it's gotten me thinking. C suggested we could attend a seminar or info session on foster parenting. This could be interesting...

My Brother is a Megachurch Pastor

2011-11-09T19:16:00.007-06:00

Today I learned that one of my brothers has been hired as a pastor at a church in Dallas. I am sincerely excited for my brother as he transitions into this new role, as he has long had a dream of being a pastor. While my brother and I have different faiths, I am happy to know that he is realizing one of his dreams.

I had a text conversation with my husband today about this news. The church whose pastoral staff my brother will be joining has more than 9,000 members. Using the most recent statistics, we estimate that upwards of 300 members of my brother's new congregation are gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Some of them are children--kids just beginning to realize they aren't like most of the other kids at church, kids who are hungry to know what God thinks of them and what they should think of themselves.

I wonder what messages they will be hearing from the pulpit--a pulpit that will sometimes be filled by my brother? I remember the messages my brother and I heard from the pulpits of our parents' churches when we were kids: "all gay people are promiscuous", "all gay people are child molesters", "all gay people get AIDS and die by age 40", "all gay people choose to be gay", and orientation "change is possible" and oh-so-simple to do. Will my brother say similar things?

Somehow, I doubt my brother could in good faith make any of the same claims.

My brother knows real life gay people. My husband and I are not the only LGBT people he knows, but I hazard to guess we are the ones he knows best. I am grateful to have been out to my brother for more than a decade. My brother was in the know as I fought to change my orientation with all the bravado that ex-gay ministries could whip up; he was in the know when I was spiraled out of control into depression and self-mutilation; he was in the know when I began rebuilding my life, reexamining the faith of our parents, and discovering God did not feel about me as I once thought he did; and he was in the know when C and I began dating, got engaged, and were married.

I am happy to know that when my brother preaches or counsels his congregation on the topic of homosexuality, he won't be talking about hypothetical people. He'll be talking about people he knows. People like us.

It is my great hope that the gay kids growing up in my brother's church will hear much different, much more realistic messages about people like them. I'm sure my brother won't tell them that God made them gay and specifically designed them to fall in love with a special person of the same gender--but I'll bet he also won't tell them that being gay is a choice, that Exodus can change them simply or quickly, or that they'll be miserable and dead before middle age.

I hope.

P.S. Yep, the picture at the top of this post is the actual map of my brother's new church. 9 elevators, 7 information stations, and a 3-level underground parking garage. The place is amazing!

Memories of Excommunication

2011-11-01T18:42:00.003-05:00

I came across the above letter of excommunication from a church in Carbondale, Illinois to one of its members. It first reminded me of when my husband and I were excommunicated from our church in Urbana, Illinois four years ago.

However, as I read through the letter, it reminded me less and less of the corporate process we went through with our church and more and more of the interpersonal process we went through with my brother, T. These lines specifically brought T to mind:

In obedience to his command, we are handing you over to Satan and his kingdom of darkness, in hopes that you will come to your senses, repent, and return. By this excommunication, we are declaring that you are no longer a Christian, and that you are no longer part of the company of the saved.

I remember T saying the words "handing you over to Satan" when he described his decision to never speak to me or be in the same room as me as long as I was a gay Christian.

Painful memories.

My Friend

2011-10-30T15:03:00.004-05:00

My apologies to my hordes of dedicated readers; we've been quite busy the last few weeks. In this post I'll try to catch you up on the recent goings-on in the Moderate household.

In early October C and I flew to San Francisco for the wedding of my childhood best friend, B. While we were there, we got to spend a day visiting with three of our good friends--one lives in Oakland and the other two live in Sacramento. It was a fun reunion made even cooler by the fact that the two in Sacramento recently got engaged. Looks like we'll be buying another set of plane tickets to California next summer! :-)

It was great to hang out with the three of them and get a personal tour of San Francisco from some locals (neither C nor I had ever been there before). We got to visit the Presidio and the Golden Gate Bridge, listen to a band perform "the Stars and Stripes Forever" in Golden Gate Park, visit Harvey Milk's camera shop in the Castro District, and have dinner at Fisherman's Wharf. We had a fantastic time, but it was far too brief a visit. We're looking forward to spending more time with those guys next summer.

The following weekend we took bereavement leave from our respective jobs and flew to Texas for my grandfather's funeral. Opa had been in declining health for a few years and had a stroke and a seizure right before our trip to California. After a week of unconsciousness being unable to eat or drink, he passed away on the Wednesday following our return from California. We immediately hopped on a plane to Austin to join my family for the funeral that Friday.

It was a confusing funeral. We are loved and welcome by my extended family (my grandmother, for instance, is a huge fan of C, and my aunts are just delighted to have a gay couple in the family) but most interactions with my nuclear family are a complicated mix of good intentions, heavy religious overtones, and confusing and often offensive comments. This trip was unfortunately not an exception.

On Friday, my mother introduced C to a person at the funeral as "Joe's friend"; we both noticed it but didn't think much of it at the time. But Saturday she repeated it, this time to the whole extended family, while she was serving us food. She said she had learned about one of C's food preferences through "his friend Joe". There was a moment of confusion as people around the table grappled with what just happened. Hmm :-/

I've wondered what Mom means when she refers to C and I as "friends." It sounds like she has returned to the denial stage of grieving my orientation, which is a huge regression. I had thought/hoped she was further along, but it looks like we have a ways to go yet with Mom.

In the meantime, we've finally finished moving in to our apartment in Lowell! Last weekend we finally moved the remaining boxes (grad school books, hiking gear, and the Christmas tree) into a storage closet, and finished arranging the study. This place really feels like home now. It's such a warm, comfortable place to come home to at the end of a long day at work. We're enjoying sipping coffee together here in the morning and sipping red wine together here at the end of the day. :-)

This weekend we traveled to Salem to explore the town with some new friends we recently met. As this was Halloween weekend, the town was literally overrun with tourists in costumes. There were so many people in witch costumes that I was finally able to use a pun I've been storing up for years: "which witch is which?" ;-) The best costumes, however, were the three guys tricked out in full Ghostbusters gear walking around with their lady friend in a Slimer costume. We visited the Salem witch hunt history museum and also the National Maritime History Park there. Then we high-tailed it out of town in an attempt to get home before the first storm of Snowmaggedon 2011 rolled in.

We didn't quite make it; the heavy rain turned to heavy snow before we got off the interstate, and we had a few interesting slipping and sliding moments. But we got home safe and sound. This morning we peeked out the window blinds at the NINE INCHES OF SNOW that fell overnight! Fortunately most of it has melted away today.

C is in the study working hard at preparing the lecture for his class tomorrow. I'm periodically tending to the laundry and I'm about to start preparing dinner. It's a wonderful, homey afternoon in our home :-)

Herman Cain: Nachos and hogwash! I'm gonna make snacks for the Highlander marathon!

2011-10-30T07:31:00.003-05:00

And the crowd goes wild!

This is the most hilarious, uncanny bit of lib-dubbing I have ever seen.

More here

Waiting Like a Puppy in San Francisco

2011-10-08T11:28:00.003-05:00

So I've been out in San Francisco for two days doing bachelor party stuff for my lifelong friend B who is getting married this weekend. C had to stay and work in Boston Thursday and Friday, but this morning he drove alone to Logan and is now four hours into the six hour flight to San Francisco.

I keep refreshing the little flight tracker website. Where is he now? Is he here? Is he here? Can I go to the airport and pick him up yet? :-) I'm so excited to see him. I feel just like a little puppy waiting next to the front door, wagging my tail excitedly in anticipation of C coming home :-)

I always am excited to see C after we've been apart a few days, but the last two days have been so marriage-centric that I am missing him more. I love romance. I love seeing people in relationships. It's so much fun to see my lifelong friend B laughing and dancing with his bride-to-be, D.

But seeing all this, and having all these conversations about marriage and weddings and honeymoons and making a life together have just made me miss C more and more and more. I can't wait to pick him up at the airport in just a few hours. I can't wait to laugh and drink with him and B's friends and family tonight.

I can't wait to slow-dance with him. :-)

I was working out in the gym at the hotel this morning and an oddball song I bought on iTunes recently came on. It's a cover of a Brittney Spears song, so I've always regarded it as a bit silly. But I got it because it's covered by a guy (somehow I can always emote more to a song sung by a guy--go figure) and it's performed more as a downtempo ballad than a bubblegum pop hit.

This morning I started grooving to the song for the first time and thinking about being reunited with C today. I almost cried. The song reminds me of the wonderful, mysterious, indescribable spirituality of loving another person.

If I said my heart was beating loud, if we could escape the crowd somehow, if I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me? You feel like paradise...

Don't Ask Don't Tell Finally Over

2011-09-20T04:23:00.004-05:00

I now work on an Air Force base (Hanscom AFB in Lexington, Massachusetts). Until today, the airmen and women I see on base every day were working under the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy. During the 18 years DADT has been in effect, more than 11,000 service men and women have been fired from the armed services simply because they happen to be lesbian, gay, or bisexual.

As a civilian employee working on base, I have been allowed to keep a simple "You Are Welcome Here" card posted on the wall in my office. Up until now, the air force personnel I work with could not.

Today, Tuesday September 20th, 2011, will be different :-)

The U.S. military's "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy officially ended 5 and a half hours ago. What an incredible day for our country and the men and women of the armed services.

And in a sweet celebration of the death of the discriminatory law, at 12:01am this morning, Lt. Gary Ross wore his Navy uniform as he married to his partner of 11 years in Vermont.

To Lt. Ross and his partner, and to all the gay men and women serving in the armed services today and who have served in the past: congratulations. And thank you for your service.

Blogging

2011-09-10T07:24:00.002-05:00

Hat tip: Despair.com

Hurricanes? in Boston?

2011-08-24T07:33:00.005-05:00

I guess we didn't plan on this when we made the decision to move here:

C is scheduled to fly to Denver on Sunday morning, and already they are saying the hurricane may ground air traffic in the Northeast from Saturday to Sunday. This could be interesting...

Just for reference, C and I didn't feel yesterday's Virginia earthquake at all. But I'll bet my brother, who lives in Charlottesville just 35 miles from the quake epicenter, or our friends JD and DJ, who live in Annapolis about 140 miles from the epicenter, might have...

The New Couch

2011-08-21T20:26:00.004-05:00

C and I just dropped $$$$ on a sha-weet new couch. We were totally inspired by the sha-weet "L" couch our buddies DJ and JD own that is very conducive to conversation and general chilling out with friends.

The latest addition to our family looks sorta like the promotional photo below, although we got one a big larger and in a slightly different configuration (and there's no way in *HELL* two savvy gays like us would ever allow those throw pillows to cross the threshold of our home).We are having a great time together tricking out our new digs :-)

New England driving rants

2011-08-20T07:56:00.003-05:00

Rant #1: No or missing street signs. There appears to be a law that any intersection can have at most one street sign. Sometimes none. Never two or more.
Rant #2: Which lane do I stay in to go straight through an intersection? When approaching an intersection, Bostonians will queue up into two lanes (although there is no painted line separating them). Sometimes the left of the two lanes is treated as a left-turn-only lane while the other lane is a right-or-go-straight lane. Other times the left of the two lanes is a left-or-go-straight lane and the other is a right-turn-only lane. These are not marked, but townies know how they want them to be used, and they will let you know with hand gesticulations if you are using them incorrectly.

Rant #3: When you are the first person in the go-straight lane, you are expected to pause and allow exactly one car from the oncoming left-turn lane turn left before you proceed into the intersection. This is an expected courtesy; again, locals will let you know with hand gesticulations if you do not provide it.
Rant #4: toll road exit numbers have no connection to mile markers. If you went by exit numbers, you'd think that New York is only 62 miles across and Massachusetts is only 26 miles across. This applies only to toll roads; if you exit a toll road onto a freeway interstate, exit numbers again match mile markers (as in the rest of the free world). Unnecessarily confusing.

Worst. Lamp. EVER.

2011-08-20T07:27:00.002-05:00

So C and I are preparing for our first trip to IKEA today. We're taking a look at stuff online to get a sense of what's available. Came across this un-gem:
Why, yes. I'd love to pay $60 to install a giant, glowing tampon in my living room.

New Digs

2011-08-07T20:45:00.011-05:00

C and I have been apartment-hunting in Massachusetts for the past few days. We just signed a lease on our home for the next year. This place is sweet! We are living in a great loft in a renovated 180-year old textile mill in downtown Lowell.

Lowell, by the way, has really blown away my expectations and even the early positive opinions I had of it when we were out here in February. The whole place is like the San Antonio Riverwalk or the Indianapolis Canalwalk on steroids. Engineering steroids :-)

Downtown Lowell is itself a National Park, so deemed due to Lowell's role as the starting point of the American industrial revolution. This city was engineered from its inception, when several textile companies drew up plans for a town based entirely around textile manufacturing. In the early 1800s, these companies dug an elaborate network of canals to divert the Merrimack River as it descended a ~32 foot elevation drop over the course of a mile in a particular bend of the river near Boston.

The canals turned the farmland that would become Lowell in to a shallow archipelago, and astride the canals the companies erected massive cotton and wool textile miles.

The canal water turned massive water wheels and turbines in the basements of the mills, and this mechanical motion was transferred by systems of gears and belts throughout the mills to turn the first mechanical looms in the United States. The rest of the city sprang up in support of the mills.

The textile industry in Lowell ground to a halt after World War II, and for about 30 years the mills fell into disrepair and several were demolished. The US Congress created the Lowell National Historic Park in 1978 and began renovating some of the mills. Since then, every federal dollar invested has been matched with 10 private dollars for renovation, as Lowell's mills have been restored to their former glory, although now housing doctor's offices, small businesses, condos and loft apartments, and tons of great restaurants.

The water from the canals no longer drives mechanical looms, but is now used to generate electricity at four hydroelectric stations throughout downtown located on the old locks of canal system as well as in the basements of two of the old mills. The National Park operates boat tours along the canals (C and I took a fascinating 3-hour canal tour today). In addition, the Park has restored part of the old electric trolley line that ran through the city and conducts tours in two cool old streetcars.

I am honestly finishing this trip more excited than I was before. I think we're really going to enjoy living here :-)

It Works in BOTH Temporal Directions

2011-07-28T20:46:00.004-05:00

ROFL.

The Best Things in Life

2011-07-28T20:18:00.003-05:00

1. Walking out of work and seeing the man I love waiting for me in the car.
2. Taking walks with him in the evenings.
3. Looking over websites of potential future apartments with him.
4. Laughing with him over red wine and his handmade caprese salads.
5. Falling asleep next to him. Every night.

How did we ever make it living apart for three years?

I love this marriage thing :-)

Boston, Baby!

2011-07-26T18:47:00.006-05:00

My apologies for suspense, but I wanted to wait until I had given notice at work before posting this news online: we're moving to Boston! ...or the Northwest suburbs of Boston, to be more precise.

C has accepted a tenure-track engineering faculty position at the University of Massachusetts Lowell (in Lowell, obviously) and I have accepted a control systems engineering position at MIT Lincoln Laboratory (in Lexington).

UMass Lowell Engineering

MIT Lincoln Lab

Today I gave my two weeks' notice at work. It actually went over miraculously well with my boss. I explained to him how staying with Cat wasn't really an option for us, as Cat's policy is to withhold medical benefits from married or civilly united spouses of gay employees. My manager astonished me by telling me how my decision made sense to him and that he would likely do something similar if he were in my situation. He went on to say that I would be leaving with a high rating, and he would welcome me back if I were to ever return to Cat. He said he was glad I was willing to continue working two more weeks, and would welcome me staying "as long as I would like".

Unfortunately I can't stay much longer. UMass Lowell begins fall classes September 1, so we are operating on an aggressive schedule between now and the end of August. This weekend we will travel to Iowa City to visit C's family for the last time before leaving the Midwest. Next weekend we're flying to Boston for an apartment-hunting trip. The following weekend we will visit with my extended family in Chicago for the last time before leaving the Midwest and will have a going-away party with our friends in Peoria. Then we pick up the UHaul and the movers arrive that Tuesday...

...and 3 or 4 days later, we should be pulling up to our new place in Lowell. or Billerica. or wherever we wind up landing. Then we'll have about a week to unpack, buy a second car, and get C's office and lab squared away at the University before the students arrive. Yoiks! I'm glad I have a little more time before my start date (September 12).

So excited, though. For the past three years our dream has been to live under the same roof... and at long last it is coming to pass :-)

Epic Win: Focus on the Family Senate Smackdown

2011-07-21T06:56:00.003-05:00

Finally. At long last. After years of distorting, misrepresenting, and outright lying about the scholarship on LGBT people, Focus on the Family was publicly called out on it. During a freakin Senate hearing.

If only this same scenario could be repeated for the past 30 years of slander and falsehoods about LGBT people that FOTF has distributed to evangelical Christians around the world...

UPDATE: The lead author of the study cited by FOTF clarifies that Minnery did in fact misquote the study:

“Sen. Franken is right,” the lead author of the study told POLITICO. The survey did not exclude same-sex couples, said Debra L. Blackwell, Ph.D., nor did it exclude them from the “nuclear family” category provided their family met the study’s definition.

The study’s definition of nuclear family is: “one or more children living with two parents who are married to one another and are each biological or adoptive parents of all the children in the family.

hat tip: BTB

Super Freakin' Excited

2011-07-21T06:51:00.004-05:00

We got some fantastic news yesterday. Details to come later (I am presently recovering from my hangover from celebrations last night :-) )

Gay Marriage Will Lead to Straight Marriage Being Outlawed

2011-07-14T18:57:00.002-05:00

Aside: this sermon is given by a preacher named Mike Bickle. The first time I was ever pushed over/"slain in the spirit" was at an altar call he gave at my undergraduate church.

Best AutoCorrects from June 2011

2011-07-10T19:14:00.007-05:00

You've probably seen a link like this before, but these are the latest and greatest from last month. AMAZING. C and I are laughing so hard we're crying reading these.

Highlights:

Is it any surprise that the funniest are ones sent to parents? Reminds me of my little text message slip-up with my Mom in February. "Family? In Boston?" ROFL :-)

New Wedding Rings

2011-07-10T12:23:00.003-05:00

In celebration of our third first (June 14 2008) and second second (July 5 2009) wedding anniversaries, as well as our first civil union (June 1 2011), C and I have decided to purchase new wedding rings. We exchanged matching brushed titanium rings at our first wedding three years ago, but while the brushing has stayed in near-mint condition on mine, the brushing on C's has worn completely off. C's ring now looks something like a scratched washer (we like to joke that this has some symbolic indication of who is more invested in the relationship/who cares more about the marriage/etc, but we have seriously been discussing replacement rings for two years).

Today we made our choice and ordered two new rings. Brace yourselves, these are simultaneously the coolest and enginerdiest rings you've probably ever seen :-)

And yes, the gears are fully functional. All the pinion gears turn, counterrotating the perimeter rack gears. Check out this supercool video of the ring in motion :-)

C will be beginning a tenure-track position as a mechanical engineering professor this fall; I'm eager to see the response his wedding ring receives from his students.

Aside: An unexpected benefit of being a gay male couple is how relatively inexpensive men's wedding rings are compared to women's engagement and wedding rings (Our original rings cost about $100 each; these are slightly more expensive, at $170 each. Compare that to the multi-thousand dollar diamond ring one of my brothers bought for his wife). Now I've got nothing against women or wives or opposite-sex marriage, but I think it might be cool if gay marriage winds up dealing an unexpected blow* to the bloated wedding-industrial complex/blood diamond trade...

*I guess most of any impact will depend on whether lesbians buy each other traditional diamond rings for their engagement/weddings. Hmm. I actually don't personally know many lesbian couples, much less any married lesbian couples. Do any of you? If so, do they wear diamond rings?

Miracle Spring Water! Now in Larger Size!

2011-07-06T07:07:00.003-05:00

I just ordered mine; nothing can stop me from finding a job in Boston now!

Happy Second Second Anniversary to Us

2011-07-05T21:12:00.007-05:00

Two years ago today, C and I repeated our vows to each other at the Quaker Meeting in Iowa City, C's hometown. However, after signing a second traditional Quaker marriage certificate along with all the guests in attendance that day, C and I also signed our legal marriage license.

Though we are again 200 miles apart tonight, Happy Second Second Anniversary, the Man I Love.

...make that the *Dr.* Man I Love :-D

The Colors I Have Lived In

2011-06-27T18:58:00.004-05:00

Please ignore the grammatical travesty that is this post's title and instead focus your attention on this interesting graph from Jim Burroway:

I was born and lived 21 years in the red region.
I moved into the white region just before the red region vanished entirely.
In 2008, C and I made our vows before God in a religious marriage held in the white region.
In 2009, C and I made a trip into the green region to get legally married, but returned to live and work in the white region.
Just this month, our portion of the white region turned blue :-)
By the end of the year, we hope to both be living in the green region.

In what color(s) have you lived?

Hat tip: Box Turtle Bulletin

Congratulations, New York!

2011-06-25T13:33:00.005-05:00

C and I stayed up last night watching the live stream from the state senate in Albany. We caught the stream in time to see two of the Republicans who voted in favor of marriage equality speak to the chamber. And then the historic vote.

What a momentous victory for the people of New York! Last night crowds gathered outside the Stonewall Inn in Greenwich Village to celebrate the passage of marriage equality on the site where, 42 years earlier, the gay rights movement began. Each year New York City celebrates the anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, and it just so happens that this is the anniversary weekend. I'll bet it will be the biggest celebration yet.

Last night the capital of the empire state building was illuminated in the colors of the rainbow to mark the vote in Albany.

Congratulations, New York!

Photo hat tip: Joe.My.God.

Deliverance from Homosexuality in Jesus' Name

2011-06-19T16:02:00.003-05:00

WTF. How do these people sleep at night? I couldn't watch it all.

This is fucking child abuse.

Morningwood

2011-06-19T15:55:00.003-05:00

Farm, that is. Totally not making this up. C and I saw this potted plant booth at the Madison, WI farmer's market last weekend.

The old couple who operated the booth seemed completely oblivious to the double entendre :-)

The Luckiest

2011-06-14T07:37:00.004-05:00

Today I am celebrating the three best years of my life.

To the man I love: Happy Anniversary :-)

Penises Everywhere

2011-06-13T17:39:00.002-05:00

From "the Third Eagle of the Apocalypse," comes the most important message since the revelation that God hates men who pee sitting down. Take heed, all ye with layovers in Denver International Airport.

Amazing. You can't make this stuff up...

That was some amazing music at the end there.

Hat tip: Joe.My.God.

Happy Anniversary #3 To Us

2011-06-01T05:39:00.003-05:00

June 14 2008: religious wedding
July 5 2009: legal Iowa wedding
June 1 2011: legal Illinois civil union

It's complicated being a gay couple, but kinda fun to have so many anniversaries to celebrate. I guess heterosexual couples only get one anniversary to celebrate :-)

Hmm. All our anniversaries seem to be clustering within about a month of each other. Now I think we need Federal recognition to occur in the winter in order to space out the next anniversary...

Only Four Repenting Days Left before Jesus Returns

2011-05-17T18:43:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to put out a friendly reminder of the content of my four year old post that has unexpectedly become the runaway most popular thing I ever put on this blog (as of Monday, there are 288 comments): Jesus is coming back this weekend, May 21, 2011.

At 6pm. Local time.

Well, because God created time zones--just as he apparently created US international borders--the Rapture will begin at 6 p.m. in each time zone.

Don't own a watch? Not to worry; you'll know it's 6pm by the earthquake that will occur in each time zone promptly at 6.

I am fortunate to live in the Central Time Zone; all us Midwesterners will have one more hour to get right with God than our friends and family will have on the doomed East coast. But I suppose even sinners on the East coast will have some time to repent while Europe and Asia are shakin' and bakin'.

Bizarre. You can't make this stuff up.

Justice.

2011-05-02T05:33:00.001-05:00

I love this photo.

hat tip: NYTimes

Joe's Dream for the Republican Primary

2011-04-28T18:30:00.003-05:00

Hee hee :-) My secret hope is that both Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin run for the 2012 Republican nomination. My dream is to watch them go head-to-head in an all out crazy-off during a televised primary debate.

I think most folks are familiar with some of the crazy stuff Sarah Palin has said, but Michelle Bachman is lesser known. I hope you enjoy the following compilation of Bachman quotes. Unfortunately, this video is sadly missing my favorite Bachman quote: "the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until slavery was no more", but I think the one about "what would the Founding Fathers think of representation with taxation?" is pretty good too :-)

Landslide

2011-03-13T14:26:00.004-05:00

Two weeks ago I connected with the song Landslide for the first time. Though I've heard the song many times before, I never really paid attention to the words until I was curled up next to my husband listening to the song. Something in the following lyrics snagged my heart and pulled. Hard.

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older and I'm getting older too

By the end of the song I was holding tightly to C and fighting back tears--not tears of sadness, but tears of unspeakable joy.

See, unlike the song's composer, I am not afraid of changing and growing old. As C and I have sometimes said to each other, we look forward to growing old together.

In a moment I traversed the last six years during which my life has changed dramatically. I can never forget the burning loneliness I felt during my Exodus years--that unbearable depression rooted in the sense that even God himself found me wretched and was disgusted by the thought of being near me. Filthy, loathsome me. A faggot like me.

Six years ago I began to realize I was wrong about God.

Maybe God didn't loathe me. Maybe he didn't want to abandon me like I thought he had. Maybe he could tolerate me--maybe he actually liked me. Maybe he liked me not in spite of my feelings about guys, but with my feelings about guys. Maybe God carefully designed me to like guys. Maybe somewhere God had created another guy to like guys... who would one day like me.

Five years ago I met that guy.

Three years ago we vowed to grow old together.

...

I held C and cried. Harder than I have cried in a long time.

C and I have recently noticed telltale signs of our bodies aging. My hair is beginning to thin around the crown, and a sprinkling of salt and pepper is beginning to show in C's hair. I am beginning to struggle with back pain, and I need more sleep than I used to.

I'm getting older.

But I'm not afraid of changing and growing old. Because I'm so fortunate to have found the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life, the person with whom I want to grow old.

Often I feel like the most fortunate man in the world.

I love you, C.

Talk to Your Cat about Hitler

2011-03-13T14:23:00.001-05:00

Or someone else will.

Breathing out Lies

2011-02-28T18:33:00.002-06:00

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
--Exodus 20:16

There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: [#6] a false witness who breathes out lies.
--Proverbs 6:16,19a

Count the lies in the following interview with Tony Perkins of the Family "Research" Council:

Lie #1: The President's decision affects all of DOMA.

Truth: DOMA comprises three sections; the President's announcement regards only section 3.

From the letter from the Attorney General to the Speaker of the House:

The President of the United States has made the determination that Section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act ("DOMA"), 1 U.S.C. section 7, as applied to same-sex couples who are legally married under state law, violates the equal protection component of the Fifth Amendment.

Lie #2: The President's decision will require all states to recognize a same-sex marriage performed in any of the other states.

Truth: Full faith and credit is addressed in section 2 of DOMA, which is not affected at all by the President's decision.

From the text of DOMA:

SECTION 2. POWERS RESERVED TO THE STATES.

No State, territory, or possession of the United States, or Indian tribe, shall be required to give effect to any public act, record, or judicial proceeding of any other State, territory, possession, or tribe respecting a relationship between persons of the same sex that is treated as a marriage under the laws of such other State, territory, possession, or tribe, or a right or claim arising from such relationship.

Lie #3: The President will stop enforcing DOMA.

This directly contracts the President's statement.

Again, from the text of the letter from the Attorney General to the Speaker of the House:

The President has informed me that Section 3 will continue to be enforced by the Executive Branch. To that end, the President has instructed Executive agencies to continue to comply with Section 3 consistent with the Executive's obligation to take care that law be faithfully executed, unless and until Congress repeals Section 3 or the judicial branch renders a definitive verdict against the law's constitutionality.

Lie #4: This has never happened before.

Truth: It is not uncommon for a Presidents to refuse to defend a Federal law.

In just the last 100 years, Truman did so, as did JFK, Carter, Clinton, both Bushes, and Reagan--on at least four different occasions.

What the President actually did say.

The President said his administration will continue enforcing all of DOMA but will stop defending Section 3 in court. For reference, Section 3 provides a Federal definition of marriage as an opposite-sex union.

Obama's administration has already defended Section 3 of DOMA in Federal circuit court and lost. The President is saying that he agrees with the circuit court's determination that Section 3 is unconstitutional and has decided not to appeal the case further.

Y2Gay

2011-02-23T07:19:00.001-06:00

Enjoy the subtleties in this great short film. Masterfully put together.

Heartthrobs

2011-02-22T18:25:00.002-06:00

(Warning: unfiltered romantic feelings below; proceed with caution)

Yesterday as I drove home from work I was reminded of a moment some six years ago. It was a weeknight and I was gathered with friends in a room of our church's ministry center (office space near campus) following our small group meeting that evening. At one point conversation turned unexpectedly to reciting poems we could recall from memory. Most of the poetry I and my friends could remember was lighthearted and silly (I, for instance, repeated what I could remember of the Calvin and Hobbes poem A Nauseous Nocturne I once performed in middle school).

But my attention that night was riveted by a particular warm-eyed young man who quietly recited the words of a Robert Lowell poem about conscientious objection.

For months I had been quietly trying to hide my developing crush on the handsome young man who that night recited the lines of Memories of West Street and Lepke. That night, as he carefully recalled these moving words, my admiration for the young man deepened. As the idle chatter of my friends that night died down to listen, all I could hear was him speaking and my heart beating. And, perhaps for the first time since meeting the young man, my heart lept. Butterflies. Heartthrobs.

Two nights ago, my heart throbbed again as I kissed that man goodbye and departed for the workweek. I am far deeper in love with that man now than I was that night six years ago, and the butterflies and heartthrobs keep coming. But I enjoy reminiscing about when the first heartthrobs happened.

...

Only teaching on Tuesdays, book-worming
in pajamas fresh from the washer each morning,
I hog a whole house on Boston's
"hardly passionate Marlborough Street,"
where even the man
scavenging filth in the back alley trash cans,
has two children, a beach wagon, a helpmate,
and is "a young Republican."
I have a nine months' daughter,
young enough to be my granddaughter.
Like the sun she rises in her flame-flamingo infants' wear.

These are the tranquilized Fifties,
and I am forty. Ought I to regret my seedtime?
I was a fire-breathing Catholic C.O.,
and made my manic statement,
telling off the state and president, and then
sat waiting sentence in the bull pen
beside a negro boy with curlicues
of marijuana in his hair.

Given a year,
I walked on the roof of the West Street Jail, a short
enclosure like my school soccer court,
and saw the Hudson River once a day
through sooty clothesline entanglements
and bleaching khaki tenements.
Strolling, I yammered metaphysics with Abramowitz,
a jaundice-yellow ("it's really tan")
and fly-weight pacifist,
so vegetarian,
he wore rope shoes and preferred fallen fruit.
He tried to convert Bioff and Brown,
the Hollywood pimps, to his diet.
Hairy, muscular, suburban,
wearing chocolate double-breasted suits,
they blew their tops and beat him black and blue.

I was so out of things, I'd never heard
of the Jehovah's Witnesses.
"Are you a C.O.?" I asked a fellow jailbird.
"No," he answered, "I'm a J.W."
He taught me the "hospital tuck,"
and pointed out the T-shirted back
of Murder Incorporated's Czar Lepke,
there piling towels on a rack,
or dawdling off to his little segregated cell full
of things forbidden to the common man:
a portable radio, a dresser, two toy American
flags tied together with a ribbon of Easter palm.
Flabby, bald, lobotomized,
he drifted in a sheepish calm,
where no agonizing reappraisal
jarred his concentration on the electric chair
hanging like an oasis in his air
of lost connections. . . .

This is why the interweb is the greatest thing on the face of the earth

2011-01-03T19:47:00.004-06:00

CatsThatLookLikeHitler.com

I can die a happy man now.

Cool Blog

2011-01-03T17:34:00.003-06:00

Check out this cool blog I recently discovered. "Just a Dude" was born in the Middle East and grew up in California. He is a Coptic (Egyptian orthodox) Christian. And he happens to be gay.

Reading the entries in this blog has been interesting on two fronts: For one, Just a Dude and I seem to have had similar journeys of faith, including spending several years in reorientation ministries; for two, the blog he writes about being gay and Coptic appears to be the first of its kind. The blog is causing something of a stir in the online Coptic community and the response of Copts around the world ranges from concurrence and support to shock and rejection to downright silliness ("I haven't read the blog and don't intend to [but brace for my completely uninformed conclusions about it]" LOL).

It seems that some in the Coptic community are just now coming to realization that among their fellow church members are gay folks. Props, Just a Dude!

New Year's Goals

2011-01-02T20:04:00.009-06:00

Well, this is unusual: I'm posting twice in the same month. Don't get used to it ;-)

My buddy PomoProphet recently posted his 2011 fitness resolution in the form of a SMART goal, which has inspired me to post mine. I'll get to mine in a minute, but I thought I'd start with an evaluation of my 2010 goals.

2010 was the first year I made an effort to create SMART fitness goals for myself. Truth be told, the 2010 goals I set were more "SMT" than SMART, because I wasn't sure how Attainable and/or Realistic the goals were when I set them. However, I made sure to make them Specific, Measurable, and Time-constrained so I could evaluate my progress. Over the course of the year I invested time to understand what is "attainable" and "realistic"--partly by measuring my progress against my goals, partly by study, and partly by experimentation.

There are an almost overwhelming amount of variables related to weight training--exercise selection, weight, sets, and reps are the obvious ones, but there is also workout frequency, time of day, nutrition, supplementation, and sleep to consider as well. Optimization of all these variables to achieve a desired result is a challenging task! But--as it turns out--it has been an engrossing optimal control problem to try to solve :-)

In 2010 I read a half dozen books and twice as many blogs on the subject. I tried a bunch of different freeweight and machine exercises and experimented with at least four distinctly different schools of thought on set and rep variation. I tried working out in the mornings and in the evenings, varying frequency from 3 to 6 workouts a week. I experimented with nutrition and supplementation and with various amounts and types of cardio to complement the training. And all along the way I kept detailed records (on the uncannily well designed iFitness app).

<geek out> Perhaps too detailed. LOL My husband laughed at me as I spent hours trying to manipulate months of data by hand in Excel. After it took about five days' free time to analyze a year's worth of data for only two exercises (oy ve) I have given up on the by-hand approach and am trying to get Octave installed at home to help me automate some of the analysis. My aim is to perform a crude sensitivity analysis (basically build a crude Jacobian), but I'm having trouble getting Octave going out of the box. If anyone knows how I can convince Octave that the gcc compiler really is in my Xterm path when I run the Octave installer, please let me know. </Geek out>

So while my detailed analysis is still in the works, here is the overall view of my performance against my 2010 goals. As you can see, I fell short on some, met my goals on others, and even surpassed my goal on one.

2010 Goals and Results

Exercise Goal (lb)
Achieved (lb) Achieved
Incline Bench Press +70 +45 64%
Level Bench Press +70 +70 100%
Military Press +90 +70 77%
Deadlift +110 +90 82%
Squat +90 +90 100%
Barbell Curl +35 +20 57%
Dumbbell Curl +25 +15 60%
Rope Pulldown +20 +30 125%

All-in-all, I'm pleased. While not every goal was reached, I made progress toward each one. But beyond performance on these goals, I've found I've discovered a new hobby. A year ago, going to the gym was a chore. Now it's the highlight of my weekdays. I love it. I look forward to it. I go to bed at the old-man hour of 9pm so I can get up at 5 and start my day with something I enjoy.

And now, armed with what I have learned so far, I feel a little better equipped to set SMarT goals for 2011 (little "ar" because learning is still in progress).

So for the record, here are my

2011 Goals

Exercise Goal (lb)
Incline Bench Press +45
Level Bench Press +60
Military Press +60
T-Bar Row +90
Lat Pulldown +50
Barbell Curl +25
Dumbbell Curl +15
Skullcrusher +30

We'll see how 2011 goes. I've already begun records for 2011 :-)

It's Just Fairness, Y'all. That's All.

2010-12-02T05:31:00.005-06:00

At 1:50pm yesterday, the Illinois Senate concurred with the House and approved the civil unions bill. I am proud to say that the effort in the Senate was led by my own representative, Peoria Senator David Koehler. C and I will probably be seeing Senator Koehler this Saturday at a downstate Illinois LGBT scholarship fundraiser breakfast we are attending; I imagine the room is going to give him a standing ovation :-)

Here is a fun clip from one of the speeches given on the floor of the Senate yesterday. This is Ricky Hendon, one of the Senators for Chicago's West side, whose rose to counter some of the anti-civil union speeches given yesterday by opponents of the bill.

Exceprts:

I hate the hypocrisy! Aren't you sick of the hypocrisy by now? When I sit here and hear adulterers and men cheating on their wives and down-low brothers saying they gonna vote against this bill it turns my stomach! The hypocrisy dripping in this chamber right now! We know what you do at night! [applause, cheering] And you know too.

So let's not play the games. At least tell the truth. You know I'm a Christian. You might not believe it, but I'm a Baptist, saved and sanctified, dipped in the holy water when I was 12 years old. I'm a go to heaven when I die. But I'm gonna vote for this bill. [laughter] It ain't gonna send me to hell, and it ain't gonna send you either...

Don't be a hypocrite... We should pass this bill. We should do it now and get it over with. It's not gonna destroy America. It's not gonna destroy our great state.

It's just fairness, y'all. That's all.

hat tip: Joe.My.God.

Illinois Next for Civil Unions

2010-12-01T07:00:00.003-06:00

For the past four years, a bill to legalize civil unions for gay and lesbian couples has languished in the Illinois House. Last year the Senate passed the bill, but political maneuvering prevented it from coming to a vote in the House. Not so this year :-)

Last night I tuned in to the live video stream from Springfield as the House underwent the final debate of the bill before the vote. The normally bustling general assembly chamber fell silent to listen to the impassioned speeches.

One speaker referenced Larry McKeon--a U.S. army veteran, Sheriff's lieutenant, and the first openly gay member of the Illinois legislature--who was forced in 1991 to leave his dying partner's bedside because he did not have the appropriate paperwork.

When Larry resigned from the House in 2006, his seat was subsequently filled by Greg Harris, who became the second openly gay member of our legislature. Greg has been re-elected to that seat ever since. Greg authored the civil unions bill four years ago and has been its chief sponsor in the House ever since. Last night, Greg made the first and last speeches of the debate, at one point breaking into tears as he requested his colleagues vote for justice for their gay and lesbian fellow Illinoisans.

Pat Quinn, our recently re-elected governor, himself entered the chamber to witness the vote. (Quinn has long been a supporter of the civil unions bill and stated multiple times this year that he will sign the bill should it reach its desk.)

The chamber was silent and my heart was pounding when the Speaker of the House called for the vote. Seconds later as the electronic voting was tallied, the galleries erupted in cheering. I couldn't see the electronic voting summary that the galleries could, but I knew what the cheering meant.

The Speaker announced that the bill had passed.

The bill now goes back to the Senate today for a concurrence vote. I remember speaking with Peoria Senator David Koehler about the civil unions bill during a town hall meeting two years ago with my parents in the audience. I was proud to learn that that Senator Koehler is in fact the chief sponsor of the bill in the Senate. He was responsible for its passage in that chamber last year, and this year the vote is expected to be easy--not nearly the struggle that it was in the house.

It now appears that Illinois will become the 6th state in the union to create civil unions for gay and lesbian couples. We'll know more later today when the Senate is expected to vote on the concurrence bill.

I am beside myself with excitement. I felt like I was witnessing history yesterday.

Of course I immediately phoned my husband to excitedly tell him the good news. Looks like he and I may soon be adding a third anniversary to our relationship :-)

Illinois religious marriage June 14, 2008
Iowa civil marriage July 5, 2009
Illinois civil union ? ?, 2011?

It's complicated and fun to have so many great days on our calendar to celebrate :-)

They Tried to Teach My Baby Science

2010-11-17T06:41:00.001-06:00

Hee hee :-) I love the Onion.

God Hates Bags

2010-11-16T18:33:00.002-06:00

Hee hee :-) I want one.

Encouraging News from Paul Cameron

2010-11-16T18:04:00.002-06:00

Five years ago I ordered a pamphlet titled "Medical Consequences of what Homosexuals Do" from Paul Cameron's "Family" "Research" "Institute" in an effort to find the source of a bizarre statistic I had been told in Exodus: that most lesbian and gay Americans die before their mid-40s. The statistic appears in the pamphlet, but an examination of the tortured logic Cameron used to compute it reveals it to be utter hogwash.

However, ever since that $5 pamphlet order, I have been on Paul Cameron's mailing list and have received his occasional newsletters.

I have observed a trend in his newsletters over time: a steadily growing sense of desperation for donations. This desperation has become very strong in recent months.

Here is an excerpt from Cameron's latest newsletter, which arrived yesterday:

FRI needs your help--really, really badly. Times are very tough and we at FRI are having great difficulty meeting our expenses. If you will send a donation of $25 of more, we'll send you a copy of my 1978 article.

Please. I know the economy is bad, but I assure you, times are even tougher at FRI. Could you, would you, please help? [underlines in original]

This is good news. What great news it will be the day FRI closes its doors and the misinformation of Paul Cameron is finally silenced.

DADT Photography Exhibit

2010-11-16T17:59:00.002-06:00

Jeff Sheng is exhibiting "Don't Ask Don't Tell", a moving collection of photos of gay and lesbian Americans currently serving in the U.S. armed forces with their identities thoughtfully concealed. This work is beautiful and sad all at the same time. I came close to tears at some of the photos.

Races Joe is Following

2010-11-01T20:16:00.003-05:00

It's that time of year again: election eve. I've replanned my morning to make sure I stop by the neighborhood Lutheran church on my way to work tomorrow so I can vote.

Yesterday my husband and I spent a couple of hours studying candidates and ballot measures and determining who we will vote for (he and I live in different cities in Illinois, so we vote in different races). I considered posting who I will be voting for tomorrow, but I figured at least one of the votes I will be casting my rankle one of my readers. So instead, I've decided to play people-pleaser and instead post what races I'll be following as results come in over the next few days.

Illinois Governor
Illinois U.S. Senator

Both of these races are extremely tight with the Republican candidates leading in the polls going into tomorrow. Illinois is usually reliably Democratic, so this is an interesting one to watch. Not only are Illinoisans frustrated with Democrats at the national level, but we're frustrated with state Democrats as well. Democrats have controlled the governorship, both houses of the state legislature, and both Senate seats for the last several years... and we're sitting on the second worst state debt in the nation. I've never lived in a swing state before nor voted in such tight races before. I'm kinda enjoying the fact that I get to cast my vote in these two races; for once I feel like my one single vote is actually important :-)

Iowa Supreme Court Judge Retention

The justices of the Iowa Supreme Court are appointed by governors, but they are retained by popular vote. Tomorrow three of the justices are up for retention. Judge retention races are usually yawners, but this races has drawn national attention and lots of money from outside the state. Last year the Iowa Supreme Court unanimously determined that my marriage is legally equivalent to all others. This has raised the ire of some, and there is a chance that Iowa may remove one or more of the Supreme Court justices tomorrow.

Illinois Constitutional Amendment

My buddy Pomoprophet lives in a state where the state constitution is modified by sometimes dozens of ballot initiatives every election. Not so here in Illinois. This election is rather unique in that we will have a constitutional amendment on our ballots. The amendment provides for the ability to remove the governor by popular recall--in addition to the legislative impeachment process already in place (which was exercised for the first time a year ago when Blagojevich was removed following his arrest). I'm going to tip my hand on this one: I plan to vote NO on this amendment for one reason: I am generally opposed to direct democracy. I don't want Illinois to evolve into another California.

Other races that interest me (but I'm far too sleepy to write about now):

Pennsylvania U.S. Senator
Florida U.S. Senator
Nevada U.S. Senator
California Proposition 19 (the marijuana legalization measure)
California Proposition 20 and 27 (which contradict each other--and yes, people can vote in favor of both; isn't direct democracy crazy?)
Washington Income Tax Ballot Initiative

One race I will not be watching is that of the U.S. Representative for Peoria. Let me not mince words here: I don't like Aaron Schock. The way he votes against justice frustrates me, but the way he discusses issues absolutely infuriates me. When Schock speaks, he doesn't contribute to rational debate; he adds to the noise. I would love to see him voted out of office, but alas he is Peoria's favorite son. This community has been electing Schock to various legislative roles since before he graduated from high school. There isn't a snowball's chance in hell that he will lose tomorrow's race (unfortunately), so there's no point in watching it.

That's OK; I have plenty of other races to watch :-)

Happy voting, everybody!

It Gets Better

2010-10-06T18:07:00.003-05:00

Tyler Clementi

Last week, at least five gay teenagers took their own lives

Sept 19: Seth Walsh, 13 - California - hung himself in his backyard
Sept 22: Tyler Clementi, 18 - New Jersey - jumped off a bridge
Sept 23: Asher Brown, 13 - Texas - shot himself in the head
Sept 29 - Raymond Chase, 19 - Rhode Island - hung himself in his dorm room
Sept 30: Billy Lucas, 15 - Indiana - hung himself in his family's barn.

This news breaks my heart. It is near and dear to my own life experience. Every day when I change clothes I am reminded of the dark night of my own soul when I came near death myself: my chest and arms still bear the scars of the two years I cut on myself with razors, steak knives, and meat scissors. I am so glad to have survived that wretched time of my life, but this news reminds me that many are enduring worse times... and some are not surviving.

I've often wished I could go back in time and talk to myself 10 or 15 years ago. I've wanted to tell myself what I would eventually learn and how much better life would become after I finished high school and Baptist college, exited reorientation therapy, and left my childhood faith that I found to be false.

Dan Savage and his husband decided to do something along just those lines. In response to the recent spate of gay suicides, they have created the It Gets Better Project, basically a YouTube channel where LGBT people young and old can provide encouragement to those in our community who are suffering and who may be contemplating suicide.

Check out the YouTube channel for yourself--it's fantastic. Many of the videos are so touching I came close to tears watching them.

Hundreds of videos have already been posted; here are a few of my favorites:

Dan and his husband of 16 years, Terry. (a bit on the long side at ~8minutes, but really sweet. I love their stories of how they met, their marriage, and their son DJ)

Members of the cast of touring broadway show Wicked (~2 minutes)

Gay cop and a gay marine (Kinda awkward at first, but really sweet at the end. ~1 minute)

Iowa: Cooler than California since 2009

2010-09-14T17:33:00.001-05:00

T-shirt seen at Peoria Pride this past Sunday.

Bearing False Witness

2010-09-09T17:46:00.006-05:00

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
--Exodus 20:16

There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: [#6] a false witness who breathes out lies.
--Proverbs 6:16,19a

Tony Perkins of the Family "Research" Council:

Federal challenge to state law is entirely legal, legitimate, and provided for in the constitution.
The judge who presided over the Prop 8 federal trial did anything but "throw out" all the opposing evidence in the Prop 8 trial. Exhibit 1: the proponents entered into evidence depositions given by opposing witnesses and even called one of the opposing witnesses to the stand. Exhibit 2: I've read the decision--and I encourage you to read it too--and the judge specifically cites opposition testimony. Why? Because the opposition testimony supported the plaintiffs' case.
Judicial review is a constitutionally established check by one co-equal brand of government (the judicial branch) on another (the legislative branch). It is an example of our democracy functioning as designed, not a threat to our democracy.
It is dishonest to take one line from the 138-page Prop 8 ruling out of context and use it to misrepresent the larger ruling. It is fear-mongering to say that the 14th amendment will now trump the 1st.

Jesus had two dads...

2010-08-26T17:32:00.003-05:00

...and he turned out just fine :-)

Gotta love this flyer from Faith United Church of Christ in my husband's hometown. Have I mentioned recently that I love Iowa City?

Identical Twins Do Not Have Identical DNA

2010-08-23T17:54:00.003-05:00

My husband just sent me an article about a 2008 study that has reported monozygotic ("identical") twins do not have identical DNA.

Until recently, any differences between twins had largely been attributed to environmental influences (otherwise known as "nurture"), but a recent study contradicts that belief.
...
Geneticist Carl Bruder of the University of Alabama at Birmingham, and his colleagues closely compared the genomes of 19 sets of adult identical twins. In some cases, one twin's DNA differed from the other's at various points on their genomes.
...
For example, one twin in Bruder's study was missing some genes on particular chromosomes that indicated a risk of leukemia, which he indeed suffered. The other twin did not.
...
"Maybe we shouldn't call them identical twins," Harvard's Bieber says. "We should call them 'one-egg twins.'"

The implications of this study are interesting to the study of orientation, perhaps explaining why monozygotic twins are far more likely to have identical orientations than the general population, but do not always have matching orientations.

The Witness Stand is a Lonely Place to Lie

2010-08-10T06:08:00.002-05:00

Some great stuff is coming out in the wake of last week's repeal of California's Proposition 8. Among the great stuff is this video, in which David Boies, one of the plaintiff's lawyers, exposes the "junk science" routinely claimed by the Family "Research" Council routinely to oppose gay parenting.

This is awesome.

It’s easy to sit around in debate and throw around opinions and appeal to people’s fear and prejudice, cite studies that either don’t exist or don’t say what you say they do. In a court of law, you’ve got to come in and you’ve got to support those opinions. You’ve got to stand up under oath and cross examination.

And what we saw at trial is that it’s very easy for people who want to deprive gay and lesbian citizens the right to vote [sic] make all sorts of statements in campaign literature or in debates where they can’t be cross examined. But when they come into court and they have to support those opinions, and they have to defend those opinions under oath and cross examination, those opinions just melt away.

And that’s what happened here. There simply wasn’t any evidence. There weren’t any of “those studies.” There weren’t any empirical studies. That’s just made up. That’s just junk science. And it’s easy to say that on television, but the witness stand is a lonely place to lie. And when you come into court, you can’t do that. And that’s what we proved. We put fear and prejudice on trial, and fear and prejudice lost.

Unfortunately, the Family "Research" Council's bogus claims that "studies" show that gay people should not be allowed civil rights are nothing new. Such claims have been used for years as a talking points by Focus on the Family, NOM, the American Family Association, the Family "Research" Institute, and other similar organizations. Leaders of Exodus made such claims repeatedly during my 5 years in ex-gay therapy. It wasn't until grad school when I finally began reading the scientific literature myself that the big hoax was revealed.

That's what happened on the stand of the Prop 8 trial, under oath and cross-examination, even the expert witnesses for the Prop 8 defendants admitted that science, if anything, supports civil rights for gay people.

I encourage you to please read the decision yourself. There's a lot of spouting off about this decision (from both extremes of the political spectrum), but few have actually read what Judge Vaugh Walker wrote.

Awesome

2010-02-18T18:36:00.005-06:00

This video was recorded yesterday at the libertarian Cato Institute. It's of a speech and debate on the topic "Is There a Place for Gay People in Conservatism and Conservative Politics?" It is fantastic.

The headline speech is from Nick Herbert, an openly gay, civilly partnered MP from the UK. I love the part of his speech where he shows his ring :-)

The following debate is between Andrew Sullivan and Maggie Gallagher. Andrew speaks passionately about his libertarian, non-Republican convictions and quite emotionally about his own marriage to his husband. (For the non-Catholics out there, yesterday was ash Wednesday. Sullivan is a practicing Catholic, which explains the ashes on his forehead.) Maggie Gallagher... well, I'll let her speak for herself.

Some of my own thoughts:

I disagree with Herbert's statement that heterosexual couples as parents are superior to gay couples. In fact, many studies have investigated this area and have found that on virtually every metric studied, children of gay parents fare as well or better than children of heterosexual parents.
Gallagher stated "if gay rights are understood as liberty interests and rights they are extremely compatible with American conservatism. But equality rights and arguments lead to the expansion of government power to repress, stigmatize, and marginalize those who advocate for and institutionalize around ideas that are contrary to basic democratic norms of equality." I think there is a nuance here that I don't quite understand, and I hope someone can explain it to me. I'm trying to substitute any other equality issue (e.g. race, gender, national origin) into her second sentence and make it make sense, but I can't.
Gallagher lamented her perspective that the view that heterosexual marriage is superior to gay marriage is considered bigotry or a modern equivalent of racism. I don't think this is actually the case (yet) in the majority of the country, but I do think this public attitude is on it's way. And I actually think such a public attitude is acceptable--in the public sector. By the same token, I will happily fight alongside Gallagher (just as the ACLU would and indeed now does) for her to teach such things to her children in her home or teach other like-minded people in her personal club or faith community.
Herbert bombed responding to a statement from the audience that implied hate crimes legislation was contrary to conservative values because they "give a different penalty for the same crime if it aimed at a gay person or a straight person." The correct response to this question is to identify that the claim is based on popular misconceptions of hate crimes law. Most people have not read the actual law, which makes it clear that American hate crimes legislation assign equivalent punishment intensifiers to crimes committed against straight people and gay people, provided the motivation for the crime is shown to be based on the victim's orientation--regardless of whether victim's orientation is gay or straight. So a gay criminal can be charged with a hate crime against a straight victim provided a jury is convinced beyond reasonable doubt that the crime was motivated by the criminal's opposition to the victim's heterosexual orientation.

I haven't quite finished the video, so I may have some more thoughts to follow. This is really good stuff. It was especially good for me to hear Maggie Gallagher articulate her opinion on the matter. I wish for more open debate like this instead of the slanderous soundbytes that have dominated the "culture war" on this issue.

The Quest for the Most Awesome Workout Playlist

2010-02-01T20:11:00.002-06:00

So it's past 8 on a work night. I have a little less than an hour of free time left in my day. Tomorrow is the day of the Illinois primary election; I probably should be online looking up candidates for obscure offices like County Coroner (they really have Republican and Democratic candidates for this?) or trying to figure out why Illinois has both a state Treasurer and a state Comptroller and what the difference is (totally baffled).

But no. Tonight there is a higher calling. Tonight is the night of [fanfare] The Quest for the Most Awesome Workout Playlist Ever.

One of the fitness blogs I follow recently posted its "definitive workout playlist." It has inspired me to do the same (although I hesitate to call what follows "definitive" by any stretch of the imagination--it's definitely a work in progress). BTW, just a disclaimer if you follow the link: I don't particularly like the guy's taste in workout music. I'd rate his list about a 4; he's way more into rock than I am.

Me? I prefer hip-hop, R&B, electronica, and the occasional loud, angsty white anthem (like "Uprising" by Muse, see video below). Basically anything with a driving beat that I can use to keep my heartrate up and my mind focused on the task at hand.

Okay, enough preamble. Here are some of my current favorites:

3OH!3 "Don't trust me"
Asher Roth "I love college"
Beck "Diamond dogs"
Black Eyed Peas "Let's get it started"
Blu Cantrell "Swingin"
Bono, Gavin Friday, & Maruice Seezer "Children of the revolution"
Danzel, "Don't leave me with the light on"
Darude, "My game"
Eminem "Lose yourself"
Eminem "Till I collapse"
Enur "Calabria 2008"
Evanescence "Bring me to life"
Evanescence "Going under"
Fatboy Slim "Because we can"
Fatboy Slim "Right here, right now"
Finger Eleven "Paralyzer"
Geri Halliwell "It's raining men"
Glee "It's my life/Confessions part II"
Jazmine Sullivan "Bust your windows"
Justin Timberlake "Cry me a river"
Justin Timberlake "Lovestoned"
Kanye West "Stronger"
Katy Perry "I kissed a girl"
Lady Gaga "Poker face"
Linkin Park "Hit the floor"
Linkin Park "In the end"
Linkin Park & Jay Z "Numb/Encore"
Marc Anthony "I need to know"
Mary J. Blige "Family affair"
Maroon 5 "Shiver"
M.I.A. "Paper planes"
Muse "Uprising"
Nelly Furtado "Say it right"
P!nk "Cuz I can"
P!nk "So what"
Rihanna "Disturbia"
Rob Thomas "Lonely no more"
Sisqo "Thong song"
Studio All-Stars "American boy"
The Pussycat Dolls "Don't cha"
The Veronicas "Hook me up"
TI & Justin Timberlake "Dead and gone"
Timbaland & Justin Timberlake "Give it to me"
Timbaland & Justin Timberlake "Carry out"
Toby Mac "Gone"
US3 "Cantaloop"
Workout DJ's "Closer (workout remix")
Yellowcard "Only one"

I'm always looking for new stuff to complete the Most Awesome Workout Playlist ever. You guys have any suggestions? What's on your iPod when you hit the gym?

Vancouver in Time

2010-01-31T15:05:00.002-06:00

Stunning time-lapse photography of the city of Vancouver, British Columbia, site of the 2010 winter olympics and home to my good friend John and was the site of one of my most memorable road trips with my dear friends Burke and Darren. Watching this video brought back memories from a trip I took to Vancouver with three of my best friends--John, Burke, and Darren. I remember a wonderful day we spent walking the beaches and watching the ships move into and out of the harbor. Mesmerizing.

One of my dreams is that C and I would make our home--at least for a few years--in Seattle, Washington, not far from Vancouver. Watching this video makes me realize I'd also be a happy man if we lived in Vancouver.

hat tip: Joe.My.God.

Obama State of the Union Drinking Game

2010-01-27T17:01:00.002-06:00

LOL this is awesome (click for a more legible version):

hat tip: Joe.My.God.

How to Respond

2010-01-23T18:28:00.004-06:00

Speaking of uncomfortable initial coming out conversations...

~10am today: a elderly widow from my parent's church friends me on Facebook
~3pm today: I accept the friend request
~5pm today (presumably after reading my profile, which includes a great photo of me and C together and our status as married): widow sends me the following message on Facebook:

(no subject)

[Joe], I will always love you, but it will have to be from a distance now. Take care of yourself and please, please pray for clear direction for your life.

How would you respond? How should I?

on Mulligans

2010-01-23T17:57:00.004-06:00

I'm a big fan of Misty Irons over at More Musings on Christianity, Homosexuality, and the Bible. She's just posted a good piece about evolving perceptions and convictions. Excerpt:

One thing I have found to be true for myself, and for many straights who think seriously about gay issues, is that it's perfectly natural for your thoughts to be constantly evolving. Once you learn to tune in to the debate, you become aware of how many different angles and perspectives are being discussed all time: gay marriage, gays in the military, hate crimes laws, the teaching of the Bible, the attitudes of the church, coming out stories, ex-gay ministries, and so forth. For the thoughtful person, these debates have a way of injecting small insights into your brain bit by bit so that you are constantly adjusting your attitude toward homosexuality. You confront contradictions in your thinking. You make connections. You have mini "aha!" moments that hit you at odd times of the day.

So if your friend or family member has already come out to you as gay and if, at the time, in your panic, you were only able to produce some half-audible, highly dissatisfying mumble, don't let that response stand as a Monument For All Time representing your attitude toward homosexuality. You were taken off guard. You had a brain freeze. You hadn't had a chance to get out of the starting blocks in this journey. But now you're off, slowly jogging along, taking in the sights.

I heartily agree, and I think the same observations hold for gay people themselves as they come out. My first coming out conversations didn't go so well. That may be partly due to the fact that I had them with very conservative very religious people. But I know it was also partly (largly) due to the fact that I was new at telling the truth. I had shamed, denied, and buried the truth about a part of my identity for years and had presented a fake image of myself, and it was difficult and awkward for me to tell people I had basically been deceiving them for years.

I also wasn't accustomed or very good at discussing orientation. Heck, I had never really discussed it with anyone before except in ex-gay ministry with others who were in my same situation. I wasn't good at discussing being gay with people who were straight.

I've often wished I could go back and redo some of my first coming out conversations with people.

For one, I would have done far less over email. I let distance be an excuse for avoiding face-to-face or phone conversations and a lot of intentions, reassurances, and inflections on both sides were lost in electronic text that would have been present had the conversations had a human face or voice to go along. I took offense from emails I received that may not have been intended to sound mean. People thought I was a completely different person, had abandoned God and faith, etc. when that was not the case at all. Etc. etc. etc.

For two, I would have made the conversations far simpler, shorter, and less defensive. When I was first coming out, I felt like everyone was going to throw a bunch of "yes but what about"s at me, so I tried to anticipate these and shoot them down. Now, after years of coming out conversations, all I feel is to say the truth: "I'm gay. I'm married to a guy. How's work going for you?" If someone wants to make the conversation longer or more complex, they can totally do so, but it's up to them.

Now that you've had a chance to recover and think a little, you can let that gay friend or family member know that the gears of your mind are turning upstairs. Just because you botched it when they first came out to you doesn't mean you can't recover. In fact, you should just take for granted that most people botch it--and that's forgivable--but now you're on your feet ready to think coherent thoughts. They don't have to be profound. This is bit by bit, remember?

Hmm. I know I would welcome people to revisit coming out conversations with me.

I wonder if the reverse is true. Would people who I had uncomfortable first coming out conversations be at all interested/willing to revisit the issue with me? I dunno.

Adorable

2010-01-18T16:28:00.003-06:00

Latest story on I'm from Driftwood:

“You and Aba are gay,” my son said to me.

We were in the car, on the way to school.

“Yes, we are,” I said.

“I think I want to be gay.”

“Well, you’ve got plenty of time to figure that out,” I replied (he’s four). “And you know we’ll love you whether you’re gay or not.”

A pause.

“Okay.”

Thoughts:

Adorable :-) I wonder if C and I will ever have a conversation like that.
Just for reference--as discussed in the Prop 8 trial last week--children of gay parents wind up identifying as gay in the same percentages as children of hetero parents.
I wish my parents would have said that.

Comment Changes

2010-01-18T15:50:00.003-06:00

This blog has been hit with spam comments recently, so I have decided to make some changes. Ironic as it may sound, Joe Moderate doesn't really want to moderate comments, so I'm taking the intermediate step of requiring word verification on comment entry. Hopefully this will stop the majority of spammers. If not, I'll finally have to live up to my last name and Moderate comments.

On a related note, in the sea of comments (221 and counting) on my unexpectedly most popular post have been numerous calls for commentators to identify themselves by a moniker other than Anonymous. Several people have been holding comment arguments under "Anonymous" and it has become confusing for people to know who they are speaking to. So I've decided to require some form of identification for posts. It doesn't have to be a google account, it can just be an "open ID".

Things Getting Interesting in the Prop 8 Trial

2010-01-16T08:15:00.003-06:00

The first week of testimony in the federal trial of California's Prop 8 came to a close Friday, and things have become quite interesting. Three items of note:

Four of the six Prop 8 defense witnesses have dropped out.

Prior to the first week of the trial, several of the witnesses for Prop 8's defense had indicated they would not testify if the federal court continued with its plan to release videos of the trial on YouTube. These concerns were laid to rest--at least temporarily--when SCOTUS put the kabosh on the YouTube idea early in the week (see item #3 below). But that hasn't stopped the defense witnesses from heading for the hills. By the end of this first week of the trial, four of the defense's six witnesses have decided not to testify. Timothy Kincaid speculates these decisions may have come after the potential witnesses observed how the plaintiff's witnessed were grilled on cross-examination.
Lineup of plaintiff expert witnesses are systematically presenting and defending the research that has led the scholarly communities to conclude gay and hetero relationships are equal.

The single most important factor in my own coming out process was information. From 2005-2006 I spent roughly 9 months in the stacks of university libraries poring over the scholarship of the last 100 years that has led the academic and medical communities to conclude that gay and hetero relationships are equal. Study after study overturned the myths and misinformation I had been told about gay people growing up in a religious community in rural Texas. At the time, I attempted to capture this information in a little volume I assembled called "If Only I Had Known" that I shared with my family.

A far better presentation has played out in the Prop 8 courtroom this past week. The Plaintiffs have called to the stand experts in a variety of fields that have testified about the science of orientation, the history and rationale of marriage law, the quality of gay relationships, and the equal ability of gay people to rear children. Prop 8's defense lawyers haven't given them an easy time, attempting time and again to trip them up on cross-examination. But the scholars are presenting science, not opinion, and the scholarship has withstood the opposition. It's exciting for me to read the transcripts of the expert witness testimonies--particularly under cross-examination--as the conversation playing out in the courtroom is similar to what occurred in my own life 5 years ago: careful, systematic, scientific deconstruction of myth and misinformation. It's fantastic stuff. I strongly encourage you to check out the live blogs of the trial or read Timothy Kinkaid's daily summaries of the trial.

Regardless of the immediate outcome of this trial, it seems clear to me that the testimony from this trial will be a reference point for many legal debates for years to come. I hope the full transcript of the trial becomes available, as I would love to share it with my family. I imagine the conversation/argument format will be much more accessible than the compilation of academic papers I sent them several years ago.
The Supreme Court of the United States has issued a ruling related to the trial that may telegraph how the Court will lean if/when it hears the appeal of the case.

If items #1 and #2 above seem to be favorable to the plaintiffs, this item favors the defense. As alluded to above, the federal court was initially planning to release videos of the trial on YouTube each evening. SCOTUS, however, nixed this plan in a 5-4 ruling they released on Wednesday. The Supreme Court's opinion on the video plan is being scrutinized carefully for any indication how SCOTUS may rule on the case if/when it is appealed to their level. The LA Times thinks this may not bode well for the good guys:
Legal experts on the left and right gleaned three insights from the high court intervention: First, the justices are following this case closely. They typically rule on appeals after cases are decided. It is rare for them to intervene in a pending trial. Second, the court's conservatives do not trust Walker to set fair rules for proceedings. Their opinion described how he had given shifting explanations of his plans. This suggests Walker's ruling on Proposition 8 may be viewed with some skepticism. And third, the majority has a distinct sympathy for the foes of same-sex marriage. The justices cited a series of newspaper stories reporting on the threats and harassment faced by those who have publicly opposed gay unions...

Last week's intervention in the San Francisco case "suggests the majority has a very strong sympathy for Prop. 8's supporters," USC law professor David Cruz added.

Things are indeed turning interesting in the courtroom in San Francisco.

Hat tips: Box Turtle Bulletin, Joe.My.God.

Prop 8 On Trial

2010-01-13T19:43:00.002-06:00

Proposition 8, the California ballot measure that banned gay marriage in that state, is on trial this week in federal district court. The plaintiffs are widely expected to win the trial at the district court level, but regardless of the outcome the case will most assuredly be appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court.

Paul Hogarth has become my personal hero of the month for live blogging each day's proceedings. If you happen to pass my desk during the day and wonder what I'm checking on my iPhone once an hour it's his blog. You might want to add it to your blog reader.

For a very thoughtful overview of the trial from the plantiff's standpoint, check out Newsweek's cover article "The Conservative Case for Gay Marriage: Why same-sex marriage is an American value" written by Ted Olsen, lifelong Republican, and former U.S. Solicitor General under the second Bush administration. An excerpt:

I understand, but reject, certain religious teachings that denounce homosexuality as morally wrong, illegitimate, or unnatural; and I take strong exception to those who argue that same-sex relationships should be discouraged by society and law. Science has taught us, even if history has not, that gays and lesbians do not choose to be homosexual any more than the rest of us choose to be heterosexual. To a very large extent, these characteristics are immutable, like being left-handed. And, while our Constitution guarantees the freedom to exercise our individual religious convictions, it equally prohibits us from forcing our beliefs on others. I do not believe that our society can ever live up to the promise of equality, and the fundamental rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, until we stop invidious discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.

If we are born heterosexual, it is not unusual for us to perceive those who are born homosexual as aberrational and threatening. Many religions and much of our social culture have reinforced those impulses. Too often, that has led to prejudice, hostility, and discrimination. The antidote is understanding, and reason. We once tolerated laws throughout this nation that prohibited marriage between persons of different races. California's Supreme Court was the first to find that discrimination unconstitutional. The U.S. Supreme Court unanimously agreed 20 years later, in 1967, in a case called Loving v. Virginia. It seems inconceivable today that only 40 years ago there were places in this country where a black woman could not legally marry a white man. And it was only 50 years ago that 17 states mandated segregated public education—until the Supreme Court unanimously struck down that practice in Brown v. Board of Education. Most Americans are proud of these decisions and the fact that the discriminatory state laws that spawned them have been discredited. I am convinced that Americans will be equally proud when we no longer discriminate against gays and lesbians and welcome them into our society.

In addition to Paul Hogarth's live updates, check out Timothy Kinkaid's daily summaries of the trial proceedings over at Box Turtle Bulletin. Another excerpt (Olsen's piece really resonated with me, can you tell? ;-) ):

California's Proposition 8 is particularly vulnerable to constitutional challenge, because that state has now enacted a crazy-quilt of marriage regulation that makes no sense to anyone. California recognizes marriage between men and women, including persons on death row, child abusers, and wife beaters. At the same time, California prohibits marriage by loving, caring, stable partners of the same sex, but tries to make up for it by giving them the alternative of "domestic partnerships" with virtually all of the rights of married persons except the official, state-approved status of marriage. Finally, California recognizes 18,000 same-sex marriages that took place in the months between the state Supreme Court's ruling that upheld gay-marriage rights and the decision of California's citizens to withdraw those rights by enacting Proposition 8.

So there are now three classes of Californians: heterosexual couples who can get married, divorced, and remarried, if they wish; same-sex couples who cannot get married but can live together in domestic partnerships; and same-sex couples who are now married but who, if they divorce, cannot remarry. This is an irrational system, it is discriminatory, and it cannot stand.

Americans who believe in the words of the Declaration of Independence, in Lincoln's Gettysburg Address, in the 14th Amendment, and in the Constitution's guarantees of equal protection and equal dignity before the law cannot sit by while this wrong continues. This is not a conservative or liberal issue; it is an American one, and it is time that we, as Americans, embraced it.

Hat tips: Ameriqueer, Box Turtle Bulletin, Pomoprophet, and Joe.My.God.

Glenn Beck Uses Vicks to Cry on Demand

2010-01-07T17:27:00.003-06:00

The other day I saw a clip of Glenn Beck crying "for lost America" in a clip on the Daily Show and I was struck by how much his seemingly artificial crying reminded me of videos of televangelist Robert Tilton doing the same. So I was searching for videos on YouTube of Beck crying to do further Tilton-Beck comparisons.

I came across this video of a makeup artist applying Vick's Vapor Rub under Beck's eyes to cause crying-on-demand for a photoshoot. This may be old news to everyone out there, but it's my first time seeing it.

So my question is, does he use this same technique on air?

James Dobson to Start New Organization, Radio Show

2010-01-06T17:56:00.003-06:00

James Dobson's name is virtually synonymous with Focus on the Family, a socially conservative family values organization he founded in 1977. Dr. Dobson, now 73, resigned from Focus last year. The New York Times is reporting that Dr. Dobson has announced on his Facebook page that he is founding a new organization, to be called James Dobson on the Family, which he will co-host with his son, Ryan.

I have mixed feelings about this. Following the death of Jerry Falwell, Dobson is arguably the most powerful and widely-heard voice of misinformation about gay people and our families. I am sad to learn he will again be on the air regularly.

However, I am encouraged that this development may ultimately reduce the spread of misinformation, as some but not all of Focus's donor base is likely to switch to James Dobson on the Family. It is unclear whether together the two organizations will have the combined income that Focus has presently, but my hope/expectation is that some donors will be confused or disillusioned by the move. It's too early to be sure, but my guess is that two small voices will be less effective at spreading misinformation than one large voice.

We'll have to wait and see.

Hat tip: Ex-Gay Watch

The 11/3 Project

2009-11-09T22:11:00.002-06:00

Jon Stewart channels Glenn Beck: friggin hilarious.

"That's it man, finger his hole!"

2009-11-09T22:01:00.002-06:00

I think I need to start a habit of blogging ever stupid thing that people yell at me and my husband in public. The phrase in the title of this post was yelled at us Friday night in Champaign, Illinois as we walked from the car to C's apartment, each of us with an arm around the other.

Other jewels we've had shouted at us:

"You're gay! Hey! You're GAY!"
"Keep that shit behind closed doors, fucking faggots!"
"FAGGOTS!"
"Oh my god! Did you see them? They were holding hands!"
"[unintelligible] ...sodom... [unintelligible]"

I remember the first couple of times we were yelled at, I felt kinda scared and concerned. Not any more. Now we just laugh. On one occasion (the "Gay! Hey! You're GAY!" occasion), we've responded (C turned to the yeller and calmly responded "yes. yes we are"). But the one from Friday night was so over-the-top hyperbolic that we kept mentioning it to the other throughout the weekend and busted up laughing each time. Hee hee :-)

Election Night

2009-11-03T20:37:00.003-06:00

Munching dinner and hitting "refresh" on several websites offering the lastest vote tallies in Maine, Washington state, and Kalamazoo, Michigan. As of right now, I'm excited to report that the good guys are ahead in Maine and Kalamazoo, but we got lots of votes to count yet. No results yet from Washington, where I believe the polls have yet to close.

The big question is: how late am I willing to stay up tonight refreshing websites? LOL

New Maine Equality Ad

2009-10-12T22:40:00.003-05:00

In case you haven't seen it yet, check out this new ad from Maine's No on One campaign. I like it. A lot.

Maine could very likely be the first U.S. state to popularly elect to have gay marriage. Please help this possibility become reality by donating and/or volunteering today.

Thanks :-)

(Aside: I would cry bucketloads of tears if one day my own mother would sit next to me and C and our kid(s) and say similar things.)

I'd Wish It on Everyone

2009-10-05T19:33:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago I read a short yet compelling story on I'm from Driftwood. I've been turning over what the author said ever since. I thought I'd share it with you and see what you think.

People don’t usually ask you what it’s like to be gay. They ask you how your parents reacted when you came out to them. They ask you when you knew. But they never ask what it feels like or what it means to you. When I tell straight people that I’m gay, sometimes they fall all over themselves trying to let me know that it’s okay with them. Sometimes, they get really quiet and end the conversation. Lately they’ve been asking if I got married before Prop 8 passed.

The only time I can remember anyone asking me what being gay means to me was in Paru Paru, Peru. I was working with a group of American teenagers and local Andean farmers planting potatoes. One of the teenagers started telling me about a friend of his who’s a lesbian.

“She’s awesome,” he said. “Really fearless. Like she walks around town barefoot. But she thinks being gay is the worst thing that’s happened to her. She wouldn’t wish it on anyone. What’s it like for you?”

There was the question I always wish people would ask. (And here it was coming from a sixteen year old.) In the least expected place, thousands of miles from my hometown and my current home, I finally got to tell someone what it feels like to me.

I got to tell this young kid that being gay has brought me an incredible relationship with my partner, a unique perspective on the world, a community of interesting people, empathy for those who are “different,” the comfort that my family loves me in spite of what they might see as unforgivable, and a whole lot of confidence in who I am. I finally got to say that being gay is one of the biggest blessings in my life.

“I would wish it on everyone,” I told him.

I wish someone had told me that when I was sixteen.

I've been asked before whether, given the existence of a magic pill, if I would choose today to not be gay. I've also been asked, if given the opportunity to live my life again and the power to choose my orientation, would I choose to be gay.

But I've never really considered the question of whether I'd choose for someone else to be gay.

I would wish it on everyone.

Wow. I didn't know what to think about this the first time I read it. I've been thinking about it for awhile now, and I definitely have some thoughts to share.

But first I'm curious to know what others think. Does this statement provoke any thoughts for you? For that matter, what would you say to the other two questions I alluded to above? Just to summarize, the questions on the table are the following:

If you had the power to select your orientation from this moment onward, would you choose to be gay?
If you had the power to live your life again and had the power to select your orientation, would you choose to be gay?
If you had the power to select the orientation of others, would you choose for someone/anyone to be gay?

Happily mulling my own answers to these questions and eager to hear yours,

Joe

Don't be Gay. Don't Smoke.

2009-10-05T19:12:00.003-05:00

The CDC has released a remarkably effective new ad campaign aimed at curbing teen smoking.

Hilarious. Funniest thing to happen in the War on Drugs in a long time :-)

hat tip: my buddy Bryce

Ridiculously Cute

2009-09-26T14:06:00.001-05:00

Baby dancing to Beyonce. Adorable. Amazing leg action. Must watch :-)

hat tip: my husband

Heart Wrenching

2009-09-16T19:16:00.004-05:00

I've become a big fan of the website I'm from Driftwood, where ordinary LGBT people tell stories of growing up in their hometowns. Some are rambling. Some are funny. Some are poignant. Some are moving.

Some, like this one, make me want to cry:

“So he stuck his middle finger to the world,” Nick’s ring back sang to me as I waited for him to answer. “Let it Rock” was unofficially our song, that’s why he made it his ring back tone, to find subtle ways to say I love you to me when we knew that often one or both of us couldn’t.

“Hello?” He answered.

“I’m here,” I replied, I knew he could hear the smile on my face.

“Awesome! I’m just outside the door by baggage claim,” he told me, unable to hide his excitement.

I flew in from Missouri, not even supposed to be there because I was attending a military school. I considered it a risk worth taking because the army pushed up Nick’s deployment and this was my last chance to see him for a year before he left for Afghanistan. As I rode up the escalator, we made eye contact and our smiles grew even bigger. I barely stepped off before he had in me in a tight bear hug and whispered into my ear, “I missed you so fucking much.”

“I missed you too,” I replied, and planted a kiss on his cheek; no one we knew was there to witness our public display of affection. We headed for the car for the drive back, holding each other’s hand and stealing kisses from each other. On the drive back, we held hands and sat listing to the radio, comforted by the other’s presence.

When we arrived home, it was late and we had to pack his bags. I sat in a chair and called off items while he stuffed them into his duffel bag. Between items we would kiss and confess our love to each other. I would tell him not to go because I wouldn’t know what to do without him. He laughed it off, as did I, because we both knew it was out of the question. I told him that I would wait right here for him to come back and it had better be sooner rather than later. He promised me he would, and we kissed and held each other some more. We finished packing and laid down in bed.

We made love.

Afterwards we laid naked in silence, listened to each other’s heartbeats and enjoyed the company. I wished the night would never end, but we drifted off to sleep entangled in each other’s arms.

The next day we woke up early and spent the day finishing up his last minute packing, holding each other, kissing, and getting in our final I love yous. Before we knew it, the time came to take Nick to the base where we would have to hide our love and say goodbye to each other.

I looked around at the crowd gathered in the parade field, all holding back their tears as they sat with their husband or wife in their final moments before boarding the bus destined to take them to the airplane going 7,000 miles around the world to Afghanistan. I watched the lovers hug, kiss, and hold hands silently enjoying each other’s company. I saw the fear in the eyes of those leaving and the impending loneliness of the ones staying. Children played around me, pretending to be their dad in combat, holding sticks as rifles and yelling war cries as they rushed an imaginary enemy’s position, no doubt destroying the target and becoming a hero. I watched a couple close by, a woman in pink shorts and a white t-shirt wiped tears from her face as her husband draped his hands around her neck swearing, “I will come home to you.” Another couple sat close by in silence watching their daughter roll down a hill and giggle, blissfully unaware that her father would be leaving her to grow up for a year without him.

Nick and I sat as close together as we could without raising any eyebrows, chain smoking Marlboro Reds in silence. Occasionally he and I made eye contact and mouthed the words, “I love you,” to each other, after checking for witnesses. Then we went back to our cigarettes and silence. On the outside I showed no emotion, I was just a friend here to see him off because no one from his family made it. I wore sunglasses so no one could look at my swollen, red eyes. Nick did the same. He wore his hat too high on his head because it was too small and perched his rifle over his left boot so it would not get dirty. He had on a pair of my pants, the ones with a small hole in the knee, which were a little too big on him. Somehow, though he still looked like a professional Soldier, and every time I looked at him, my love grew deeper. With that my impending loneliness and my resentment for the couples around me that were allowed to hug and kiss grew. The lovers allowed to publicly cry and bemoan the absence of their loved one. The lovers who did not have to hide their hatred for the army at their fate. The lovers who were allowed to beg the other to come back to them in one piece. I had already done that with Nick, behind closed doors, several times, but I wanted to tell him just one more time in person, “Come back to me. In one piece. I’ll be here, while you’re there, waiting… For you.” Instead, I smoked and silently mouthed I love you while I held back the tears that I’m not allowed to show the world.

Buses crept up to the loading area. “Ten minutes,” Nick told me, though I already knew. Couples around us began to stand up to say their final goodbyes. I watched a couple pull each other into a tight hug, kiss, and just hold each other tight as their tears spilled into each other’s shoulders. Understanding fell on some of the children and they ran up to hug their daddy’s leg one last time before he left. Husbands held their uniformed wives and assured them that they would hold down the fort until they came back. Around Nick and I, hundreds of people said their I love yous and goodbyes. Hundreds hugged. Hundreds kissed. Nick and I mouthed, “I love you.” Then we shook hands. And he boarded the bus. I snapped a picture of him and walked back to the car.

When I turned on the engine, Lil Wayne sang, “I wish I could be as cool as you…” That’s when I lost control and the tears finally came. I drove home, missing Nick.

My Parents

2009-09-15T20:30:00.004-05:00

This past weekend, I had not one but two phone conversations with my parents about the two DVDs I recently sent them: Through My Eyes: An Eye-Opening Experience and Bridging the Gap: Conversations on Befriending our Gay Neighbours. They have now watched both DVDs. To my great pleasure they are enthusiastic about both, especially Bridging the Gap.

In fact, my parents can't stop talking about Bridging the Gap. Mom has now posted a quote from one of the speakers in the video on the board in her classroom at school. Dad has discussed the video with their pastor and has encouraged him to watch it. They already ordered a copy of their own, and they shared with me their hope--pending their pastor's approval--to begin hosting "showings" of the DVD and discussions of its subject matter with couples in their church.

!!!

This is amazing! I am so eager to see how widely they are able to present and discuss this DVD among their conservative congregation in small town, Texas. My hat is truly off to the good folks at New Directions for their labor of love assembling the speakers and producing this video. What a joy to be able to share this resource with my family without a drop of reservation and to see them latch on to it so enthusiastically!

With Through My Eyes, my parents were somewhat less enthusiastic, but discussing the video did bring up a (for them) emotional conversation topic. My parents' voices became shaky--almost weepy--as they broached the topic. They noted that several of the gay Christians who told their personal stories in the DVD expressed a sad sense of "missing" the evangelical churches they were once a part of. My parents put to me the question: Joe, do you miss the evangelical church?

While there were many topics we might have discussed that could have been emotional for me, this one actually wasn't. Or isn't. I shared with my parents that I did know people with stories similar to the ones the referenced in the video--people who parted with the evangelical church not because they disagreed on theology but because they just didn't want to continue the exhausting fight against their orientations. I have had friends do this, and honestly it makes a lot of sense to me why: trying to live counter to your orientation is a crushing task for many.

But if living counter to ones orientation is difficult, living counter to one's faith presents it's own difficulties as well. While living in agreement with your orientation can bring relief for a time, true peace can only come from--to borrow a term from my friends at New Directions--living in congruence with one's faith.

I shared with my parents that I did not part ways with the evangelical church because I'm gay. When the evangelical church I had been attending when I began dating C asked me to leave, I left without argument because I had come to the realization that I was not evangelical. In particular, I came to understand that I and evangelical Christians view the Bible very differently.

I reiterated to my parents that my orientation is not what keeps me out of evangelical churches nowadays--rather, it's my faith. If I were not gay, I wouldn't return to the evangelical church. I do miss some of the relationships I had while I was part of evangelical churches, but I don't miss the evangelical church per se or long to be reunited with it.

Glee

2009-09-12T21:11:00.002-05:00

I think I have a new favorite TV series: Glee. Here's a quick teaser (Hulu will disable it in 3 days...):

You can see the complete first two episodes online at Hulu here:

and here:

Enjoy :-)

Not Meaning to be a Tease

2009-09-10T20:33:00.002-05:00

I apologize that I have not yet blogged about my parents' responses to the two DVDs I sent them--Bridging the Gap: Conversations on Befriending Our Gay Neighbours and Through My Eyes: An Eye-Opening Experience. It's just that, when I spoke to them on the phone a week and a half ago, they had just finished Through My Eyes and had just started Bridging the Gap. They did tearfully discuss one topic raised by Through My Eyes that I thought was poignant, but I have been waiting to blog about it until they had seen Bridging the Gap and we had a chance to discuss it as well.

Unfortunately, that opportunity has still not occurred. I usually call my folks when I am driving back to Peoria on Sunday nights after spending the weekend in Champaign with C. But disaster struck this past weekend. C and I got stuck in the worst traffic jam I've ever been in in my life--on I-39 in the middle of nowhere on the Wisconsin/Illinois border. A terrible accident brought both lanes of traffic to a complete standstill for what seemed like ages. As it happened in a construction zone, we were all sandwiched between miles of concrete barriers on one side and miles of guardrail on the other. Nowhere to go. Miles of bumper-to-bumper stopped traffic literally as far as the eye could see in either direction. No vehicle movement. Everyone standing around on the interstate outside their cars, milling around, chatting and getting to know the neighbors-by-happenstance. At one point I peed on the otherside of the embankment beside the interstate. At another point the lady in the car next to us begged us for some water to give to her parched dog. At another point the lady in the car behind us complained that she needed to use the bathroom; I told her I had just done so on the other side of the embankment and we laughed together as I suggested she do the same.

I climbed the embankment next to the interstate several times to see what I could see. Such a bizarre sight. The increase in elevation only allowed me to see more traffic in front of and behind us (we never saw the accident until after the traffic began moving again). The whole experience reminded me of the hurricane evacuation traffic snarls in Texas and Louisana the week after Katrina just before Rita made landfall.

By the time things finally got moving again, our schedule was completely off. We realized I could either (A) drop C off in Champaign, head straight back to Peoria, and still arrive past bedtime or I could (B) spend the night with C but have to get up obnoxiously early and drive directly to work in Peoria. Either way I knew I would lose sleep, but the latter option at least offered the opportunity for more cuddles.

Guess which option I chose ;-)

So I missed my phone call to the parents this week. Tried calling them yesterday and got their machine (I think they were at their church's Wednesday night services).

I did, however, receive a voicemail from my Mom saying she and dad were really moved by Bridging the Gap.--so much so that they asked if they could keep the copy of the DVD I sent them to show to their friends. They promised to order me a replacement copy.

That's encouraging :-)

So I'm looking forward to discussing both DVDs with them this weekend. I'm planning to break tradition and call them tomorrow night on my drive away from Peoria. I promise I'll eventually blog about our conversation. Sorry for the delay, guys.

Cue the Family Drama

2009-09-10T19:27:00.006-05:00

So, the news of my brother J's upcoming proposal has brought up some old, painful, family drama. :-/ J even mentioned it specifically during his phone call today.

A bit of background. For those of you keeping track, there are 4 Moderate sons; in order from eldest to youngest: S, Joe, T, and J. Next month (October 2009) will mark an unhappy anniversary--3 years since I've seen or been in contact with my next-younger brother, T.

Shortly after I began dating C in 2006, T informed me that he believed his God was telling him to cut off all contact with me. T cited the following passage from a New Testament letter from the Apostle Paul to the church in Corinth (I Corinthians 5):

It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that does not occur even among pagans: A man has his father's wife. And you are proud! Shouldn't you rather have been filled with grief and have put out of your fellowship the man who did this? Even though I am not physically present, I am with you in spirit. And I have already passed judgment on the one who did this, just as if I were present. When you are assembled in the name of our Lord Jesus and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present, hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord...
I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people—not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.

From this passage, T believed he should "put out of fellowship" and "not even eat" with me because I had fallen under the category of "sexually immoral person who calls himself a brother [Christian]". He mentioned that phrase in particular to me when he called me to say he would not be in the same place as me or respond to written or electronic communication with me until I either (A) renounced Christianity or (B) stopped dating C.

As neither (A) or (B) has happened yet, I haven't seen or heard from T in three years. When I have returned to Texas for family Christmas or Thanksgiving celebrations, T has left before I arrived and spent the duration of my visit elsewhere. I used to send him Christmas and birthday gifts and cards, but the silent treatment finally became too painful. I used to follow his blog online, but that got too painful too--especially one blog in particular where he talked about his family and mentioned his parents and all of his brothers... except me. :-/

Back to the present: J is planning to propose to his girlfriend has soon as she's back from Europe and has recovered from jet lag. Granted, she may say "no." But banking on the assumption that she's gonna exuberantly say "YES!", our family is sailing into some drama.

Over the phone today, J said he forecast a wedding in 4-6 months. If T maintains his obedience to what he believes God is telling him to do to me, T will miss out on J's wedding because I will be there. There's simply no conceivable way I'd miss J's wedding (he was, after all, he was the only member of my family to attend my wedding to C; not even my parents came).

On the other hand, if T decides to make an exception for J's wedding, our family will be faced with the now-unusual experience of seeing me and T in the same place at the same time. Wow, my heart races and my emotions flare up at the thought of it--joy, hurt, elation, anger, compassion, fury, the full gamut. How would I respond if I see T again? So many complicated feelings to sort through. I dunno.

*sigh*

drama.

I need a pick-me-up. And I know just what this situation calls for: Alanis Morisette's masterful reinterpretation of "start some drama" as written by the Black Eyed Peas:

You can look but you can't touch it,
If you touch it I'ma start some drama,
You don't want no drama,
No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama

Take it away, Alanis :-)

(you gotta click to see the video; I searched for ~30 minutes. Doesn't seem any site will allow embedding of this video)

Exciting

2009-09-10T19:04:00.004-05:00

So last night I found myself thinking about my youngest brother, J. He's been thinking a lot recently about proposing to his girlfriend. Actually, that's an understatement.

J's definitely a member of the Moderate family; we all waaaaaaaaay overthink things*. I remember my older brother, S, worked himself literally into depression from overthinking his engagement for, oh, about a year. Srsly. In fact, the most unhappy I can recall ever seeing S was right before he proposed--he was so vexed that he might make the wrong decision. (S, by the way, is the only person I've ever heard of who sought out multiple sessions of couples' pre-engagement counseling that he and his girlfriend attended together months before he actually proposed! :-O)

J has stressed out about his engagement less than S, but only a little. I think he's only been debating whether to propose to his girlfriend for about 6 months now.

At any rate, the last two phone conversations I've had with J have been on this subject and it had been awhile since our last chat. So last night my thoughts drifted back to J and his deliberations about marriage. I recalled that his girlfriend was headed to Europe for a three week evangelical mission trip this month, and I wondered if J might come to a decision and be waiting for her with a ring when she got back. I made a mental note to call J Friday as I drove back to Champaign.

Today he beat me to it. I got a call from J on my cell a little after 1pm. Though I was at work, I grinned thinking about what news might possibly prompt him to call me in the middle of the day. I took the call.

And I've had a stupid grin on my face ever since :-) His girlfriend took off for Europe yesterday. Today he visited a jeweler in Houston.

The ring should be ready about a week before she returns. I'm so happy for them!

...

*Note 1: I am probably the worst of my brothers when it comes to overthinking things. Why, before I proposed, I went through 5 years of therapy, became clinically depressed, and held weekly book studies with my boyfriend for 9 months... all before I felt peace about just dating him, let alone getting engaged to him! LOL We Moderates are an overly-cerebral bunch.

Note 2: Hmm. I just realized that the little clipart I used for this post may very well be the first portrait of hetero affection I've ever posted on this blog. Hmm. I gotta say, though, the guy's hair in this photo is just rad. Looks like mine :-)

Joe Highly Recommends: Bridging the Gap

2009-08-31T20:58:00.004-05:00

Now this is cool. Very cool. New Directions, a unique evangelical Christian ministry based in Toronto, has put together an absolutely incredible DVD called Bridging the Gap: Conversations on Befriending our Gay Neighbours (that's right, neighbours; it was produced in Canada, so they can write stuff like that). Of the three resources that I reviewed this summer, this was far and above the best.

Not that I knew I would necessarily like it from the outset. New Directions is an evangelical Christian organization--its staff espouse a faith I once embraced but whose core tenets I no longer believe to be true. Some things evangelicals believe I disagree with; some I strongly disagree with. But more to the point, I've rarely had good experiences with evangelical literature addressing LGBT people. There seems to be no shortage of evangelical material designed to inform or "equip" evangelicals for "understanding" and relating to LGBT folks. But almost without exception, these resources seem to consistently misrepresent, distort, dehumanize, and (sometimes) outright lie about people like me.

Wow, is this resource ever different.

Again and again the content of this video surprised me. First of all, the video is not just about gays--it includes gays. You'll find conversations in the DVD with openly gay people. Real gay people. I'm not talking weepy, miserable, sex fiend, my-life-is-a-wreck gay people. We're talking ordinary, typically-adjusted, normal gay people talking casually about their lives and dreams and spiritual convictions.

Moreover, the gay people in this film hold a diversity of spiritual convictions. More than one side is presented; some believe God blesses relationships between two people of the same sex; some believe such relationships are immoral. Refreshingly, none deny the attractions they themselves have to people of the same sex. It's all out on the table. And these people aren't just interviewed alone. In this film, you'll find them having conversations with one another, laughing together, acknowledging where they disagree and where they agree. Incredible.

The DVD alternates between conversations between gay people and cutaway interviews with prominent evangelicals, who provide commentary on the current state of church-LGBT relations. Some of these speakers reiterate with little deviation the traditional evangelical conviction that gay relationships are immoral; a few, such as Brian McLaren and Tony Campolo, offer deeply nuanced insights into the lives and spirituality of LGBT people--perspectives that have clearly come from personal friendships with gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender folks.

One discussion topic tackled by these evangelical luminaries stood out to me: several of these men challenge evangelicals to consider that gay-affirming Christians might actually be right--that people who say God has led them to believe gay relationships are wonderful gifts from him might actually be telling the truth and that maybe--just maybe--it is the traditionalists who have it wrong. Wow! I can hardly imagine a more respectful message that could have been communicated.

...

You might be thinking, "so Joe. You're out, you're content, you're married to fantastic guy, you feel your life is in congruence with your faith. Why the heck are you reviewing evangelical resources about LGBT people?"

Well, it's like this. While I may no longer be evangelical, many of the core people in my life (e.g. the members of my immediate family) are. Unfortunately, for many of those dear people,I'm the only gay person they have ever known. Often I feel like my one voice is overpowered by a litany of voices in their evangelical circles that, in my estimation, are telling them twisted, inaccurate, and wrong information about LGBT people.

Ever since I came out, I've been searching for a resource--by evangelicals for evangelicals--that depicts LGBT people in an honest, respectful, accurate light. I've longed for something I can wholeheartedly recommend to my (conservative Christian) family that (1) is created from their perspective and (2) can accurately educate them about LGBT people. I've read dozens of books, and I've watched a handful of videos. Time and time again I've been disappointed. I've found the liberal stuff--including the documentary I myself appear in--overglorifies gay people or unfairly demeans conservative convictions; the conservative stuff, on the other hand, usually seems to present twisted caricatures or reductions of the lives of gay people.

I've never found a resource that respects conservative Christian convictions while simultaneously presenting an accurate portrayal of gay people.

Until now.

And so, last week, I found myself packaging up my copy of Bridging the Gap (along with my copy of Through My Eyes) and mailing it to my parents in Texas. Teaser: they called me over the weekend while in the middle of watching the videos; in a future post I'll share what we discussed.

On Understanding and Being Understood

2009-08-24T17:35:00.003-05:00

This is cool: After a long back-and-forth in the comments of one of his blog entries, Andrew Marin and I have come to an understanding of each other on the whole "gay identity is sexual behavior" issue I had with his book. Turns out that I misunderstood Andrew's convictions and what he was trying to teach. Turns out Andrew understands why I misunderstood that based on what he wrote in his book.

Me to Andrew:

As I now understand your perspective, you do NOT believe that all in the LGBT community define their identity as sexual behavior. You believe that some do–in fact, many of the LGBT people you have spoken with over the years have verbatim told you gay identity is sexual behavior. However, my understanding is that you recognize there is diversity within the LGBT community in how we define our identity–that many LGBT folks in fact do NOT define their identities as sexual behavior. And, in fact, you yourself do not believe gay identitiy is defined as sexual behavior.

Andrew to me (and others):

this discussion has made me clearly start to understand the power of “most” “many” “some” “not all” etc as qualifying statements to bring perceived generalizations down. I also re-read chapter 2 and I can totally see where you’re coming from.

rest assured that the definitive language I have previously used will never come out of my mouth, or out of my writing again. Qualifiers are key! This discussion has brought forth a valuable lesson to me, and hopefully my readers as well.

Man, what an awesome feeling to understand and be understood. I think we just built a bridge :-)

New Maine Marriage Equality Ad

2009-08-20T18:29:00.000-05:00

Beautiful :-)

Exercise	Goal (lb)	Achieved (lb)	Achieved
Level Bench Press	+60	+60	100%
Incline Bench Press	+45	+45	100%
Military Press	+60	+60	100%
Barbell Curl	+25	+25	100%
Dumbbell Curl	+15	+20,+25	133%,167%
Skullcrusher	+30	+20	67%
Lat Pulldown	+50	+25?	50%?
T-bar Row	+90	+55	61%