Monday, February 13, 2012

Flowers: Nothing but Horny Plants' Junk

And now, some Valentine's Day weirdness for you from Joe.

The Valentine-Industrial complex's obsession with guilting people into buying flowers for each other amuses me. Don't get me wrong: I like flowers. For three years (back when we had a piece of dirt to call our own) C and I cultivated a garden of crocus, hyacinth, tulip, iris, lily, and gladiola.

But when you grow flowering plants, you quickly learn that flowers are sexual reproductive organs. See, flowers are just plants' junk. And flowering plants are just horny plants--sometimes really horny plants. As a grower, you have to learn how to deal with flowering plants' obsessions with sex so they don't waste themselves away in their desperation to mate.

Some flowers, like the tulip, almost completely exhaust themselves by flowering. Dutch bulb growers have learned this and consequently immediately neuter their tulips as soon as they begin to flower. This persuades the plants to build their bulbs rather than cry out for flower sex.

Tulip farm right after neutering. Don't those tulips look sad? You would be too if someone went through your neighborhood chopping off everyone's junk.

Others flowering plants, like the agave (sometimes called the "century plant") literally kill themselves when they flower, pouring every last Joule of energy they have into creating cartoonishly obscene reproductive organs that dwarf the rest of the plant.

This agave plant is so horny it's killing itself. Sorta the flowering plant equivalent of auto-erotic asphyxiation.

If you ever purchase lilies from a florist, they will typically remove the pollen-covered stamen tips from the flower for you. This is the flower equivalent of chopping off testicles, effectively emasculating the lily. It's cruel, but it spares you the mess of being covered in horny plant, uh, stuff.

Lily with stamens intact

Emasculated lily (stamens removed)

Every wondered what "bees" refers to in the old euphemism "the birds and the bees"? Yup. Flower sex.

So my Valentine's Day gift to all of you is this: today when you see flowers, remember they are just horny plants exposing themselves and think about what the plant beneath the flower is trying to say.

I'll give you a hint. It's not PG.

...

[cue the Kelis, Sir Mixalot, 70s bow-chicka-wow-wow music, or anything by Shaggy]

Rose: "my milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard; damn right, they're better than yours"

Lily: "my anaconda(s) don't want none unless you got buns, hon"

Lilies: "my hump my hump my hump; my lovely lady lumps; checkitout"

Oh yeah. That's the stuff. (Cover your eyes, kids.)

Um. Uh. This is getting kinda kinky.

And... the money shot.

LOL

Happy Valentine's Day from Joe ;-)

3 comments:

D.J. Free! said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That was PRICELESS!

Brandon said...

I'll never look at flowers the same way again. :)

This was incredibly funny!

Jessica Moler said...

This is hilarious!! Brilliant!! Now I giggle everytime I see flowers- Thank you!! You make me smile :) :)