Tuesday, February 28, 2012


Hanging happily on our fridge:

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Two Reasons Joe Won't be Voting Republican in November

#1. Marine Sergeant Brandon Morgan of Heavy Marine Helicopter squadron 363 greeting his partner Dalan upon his return from deployment:

#2. Naval Petty Officer Marissa Gaeta of the USS Oak Hill greeting her fiancée Citlalic upon her return from 80 days at sea:

Just five months ago, these photos would have cost these service members their jobs. Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and ::shudder:: Rick Santorum have all stated that as president they would work to reinstate the idiotic DADT policy (of the four remaining GOP candidates, only Ron Paul has said he would not).

I am grateful to President Obama for spearheading the repeal of DADT, ending DOJ defense of Section 3 of DOMA, requiring Medicare- and Medicaid-recipient hospitals to grant same-sex partner visitation, and adding Federal investigation assistance and sentencing intensifiers for crimes motivated by orientation or gender identity bias.

Now I am not a glassy-eyed, foaming Obama supporter. He's done some frustrating, boneheaded, even outright unconstitutional stuff in the last three years.

But the Obama administration has made huge advances in justice under the law for my family and community. So apart from Ron Paul winning the GOP nomination, I don't think I will have to think long about who I will vote for this November.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Flowers: Nothing but Horny Plants' Junk

And now, some Valentine's Day weirdness for you from Joe.

The Valentine-Industrial complex's obsession with guilting people into buying flowers for each other amuses me. Don't get me wrong: I like flowers. For three years (back when we had a piece of dirt to call our own) C and I cultivated a garden of crocus, hyacinth, tulip, iris, lily, and gladiola.

But when you grow flowering plants, you quickly learn that flowers are sexual reproductive organs. See, flowers are just plants' junk. And flowering plants are just horny plants--sometimes really horny plants. As a grower, you have to learn how to deal with flowering plants' obsessions with sex so they don't waste themselves away in their desperation to mate.

Some flowers, like the tulip, almost completely exhaust themselves by flowering. Dutch bulb growers have learned this and consequently immediately neuter their tulips as soon as they begin to flower. This persuades the plants to build their bulbs rather than cry out for flower sex.

Tulip farm right after neutering. Don't those tulips look sad? You would be too if someone went through your neighborhood chopping off everyone's junk.

Others flowering plants, like the agave (sometimes called the "century plant") literally kill themselves when they flower, pouring every last Joule of energy they have into creating cartoonishly obscene reproductive organs that dwarf the rest of the plant.

This agave plant is so horny it's killing itself. Sorta the flowering plant equivalent of auto-erotic asphyxiation.

If you ever purchase lilies from a florist, they will typically remove the pollen-covered stamen tips from the flower for you. This is the flower equivalent of chopping off testicles, effectively emasculating the lily. It's cruel, but it spares you the mess of being covered in horny plant, uh, stuff.

Lily with stamens intact

Emasculated lily (stamens removed)

Every wondered what "bees" refers to in the old euphemism "the birds and the bees"? Yup. Flower sex.

So my Valentine's Day gift to all of you is this: today when you see flowers, remember they are just horny plants exposing themselves and think about what the plant beneath the flower is trying to say.

I'll give you a hint. It's not PG.


[cue the Kelis, Sir Mixalot, 70s bow-chicka-wow-wow music, or anything by Shaggy]

Rose: "my milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard; damn right, they're better than yours"

Lily: "my anaconda(s) don't want none unless you got buns, hon"

Lilies: "my hump my hump my hump; my lovely lady lumps; checkitout"

Oh yeah. That's the stuff. (Cover your eyes, kids.)

Um. Uh. This is getting kinda kinky.

And... the money shot.


Happy Valentine's Day from Joe ;-)

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Things that Make Joe Cry

I'm having a rough week emotionally. My personality is naturally melancholic, but I've been brooding a lot recently on the rejection C and I receive from my family.

Against this backdrop, I read three things on Thursday that just sort of pushed the emotions over the edge of the cliff and I wound up crying.

1. One of the items was written by a friend of mine, a young Christian man who recently married the man he loves and who has experienced swift and devastating rejection from his family. Reading his recent update broke my heart.

Out of concerns for his privacy, I won't give any more details and will not post the link.

2. Letters to My Brother. In September 2010, a Rutgers freshman named Tyler jumped to his death from a bridge after his roommate publicly humiliated him for being gay. His older brother wrote a series of posthumous letters to his younger brother. Reading these letters and viewing his childhood photos of his brother (like the one above) just ripped me up emotionally.

3. I Will Hold You Ten Times. Once a year Joe Jervis posts a poem he wrote about caring for his dear friend Daniel who died of AIDS in 1997. I don't think I've ever read a more raw nor more beautiful description of human lovingkindness.
I Will Hold You Ten Times

1. I will hold you, Daniel.

2. The lesions don't bother me, I will hold you.

3. I will pretend nothing is wrong when you want me to pretend and when you want me to hold you, I will hold you.

4. I will make plans with you to go to your favorite places that we both know you can no longer go and I will sit with you and look at your pictures of these places and I will hold you.

5. I will ride with you on the train to your doctor's office and when you get sick in the station, I will hold you.

6. I will see the Post-It notes you put all over the house reminding yourself to do everyday things like "Turn off stove" and "Lock front door" and I'll pretend the disease isn't robbing your mind and when you tell me something for the third time in ten minutes, I won't let you know, I will hold you.

7. I will go to Safeway with you because you need to get out into the world and when the diarrhea overwhelms you and you shit your pants in the middle of the store, I will call us a cab and in the cab, I will hold you.

8. I will make you mix-tapes of our favorite songs from last summer, just like you asked me to, and when the memories make you sad instead of happy and you throw the tapes in the trash, I won't get angry, I will hold you.

9. I will sit up all night with you because the fevers and night sweats won't let you sleep. In the morning, I will change your drenched sheets and help you out of the shower and when you weep from the sight of your withered body in the mirror on the bathroom door, I will hold you.

10. I will hold you, Daniel.
I am crying again.