Sunday, March 13, 2011

Landslide

Two weeks ago I connected with the song Landslide for the first time. Though I've heard the song many times before, I never really paid attention to the words until I was curled up next to my husband listening to the song. Something in the following lyrics snagged my heart and pulled. Hard.
Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older and I'm getting older too
By the end of the song I was holding tightly to C and fighting back tears--not tears of sadness, but tears of unspeakable joy.

See, unlike the song's composer, I am not afraid of changing and growing old. As C and I have sometimes said to each other, we look forward to growing old together.

In a moment I traversed the last six years during which my life has changed dramatically. I can never forget the burning loneliness I felt during my Exodus years--that unbearable depression rooted in the sense that even God himself found me wretched and was disgusted by the thought of being near me. Filthy, loathsome me. A faggot like me.

Six years ago I began to realize I was wrong about God.

Maybe God didn't loathe me. Maybe he didn't want to abandon me like I thought he had. Maybe he could tolerate me--maybe he actually liked me. Maybe he liked me not in spite of my feelings about guys, but with my feelings about guys. Maybe God carefully designed me to like guys. Maybe somewhere God had created another guy to like guys... who would one day like me.

Five years ago I met that guy.

Three years ago we vowed to grow old together.

...

I held C and cried. Harder than I have cried in a long time.

C and I have recently noticed telltale signs of our bodies aging. My hair is beginning to thin around the crown, and a sprinkling of salt and pepper is beginning to show in C's hair. I am beginning to struggle with back pain, and I need more sleep than I used to.

I'm getting older
.

But I'm not afraid of changing and growing old. Because I'm so fortunate to have found the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life, the person with whom I want to grow old.

Often I feel like the most fortunate man in the world.


I love you, C.

Talk to Your Cat about Hitler

Or someone else will.